my personal stress trifecta.

your tired. stressed out..for a compilation of reasons. consumed with the things going on in your life. 
and slowly you notice you become more tired, sore, unable to physically function. your sick.

thats what i am, oh-so fortunately (insert sarcasm here) experiencing right now. the past few weeks have been nothing but emotionally and mentally tumultuous for me, ranging in wide from specific events, the downfalls of those events, lack lustre support, confusion, boredom and disappointment. i know, im playing the pity party card but after learning im a not-so-proud carrier of mononucleosis, shingles and have been put on watch for my heart rate being "alarming low"- despite my most recently increased healthy lifestyle, i was personally motivated to educate myself on why i am experiencing all this lovely hospital joy due to my decrepit illness.

in my online research i learnt of  a great correlation between stress and physical health:

"Stress and health are closely linked. It is well known that stress, either quick or constant, can induce risky body-mind disorders. Immediate disorders such as dizzy spells, anxiety, tension, sleeplessness, nervousness and muscle cramps can all result in chronic healthproblems. In the long run they may also affect our immune, cardiovascular and nervous systems."

in short, non medical terms;
'mono' is a direct hit due to a lack lustre immune system; stress affects the immune system as a result of possible limited sleep, food intake, mental exhaustion.
shingles are directly linked to the nervous system, as the virus lies latent in all of us until it is 'rattled' in some way, most notably by a suppressed immune system (thanks, mono)
and the low heart rate, pretty self explanatory.

therefore i can buy into the stress and health correlation. my stress level has been above and beyond any ive experienced before hence my immune, cardiovascular and nervous systems have been hit in the non resolute war on myself. i never quite experienced an illness that i couldnt directly link to my own meandering negligence, also known as drinking binges, staying up until the break of dawn, over exerting myself in every way possible.


so before you end up like me, wearing your stress on your medical charts, heres the wise words i wish i had been restored with...stop consuming yourself with the worries of your world-attempt to relax, attempt to find a calm in the storm that may be your life, omit persons creating this immense pain and stress within your life; 99% of the time these individuals could care less about the imminent damage they are causing anyways and no matter how hard you may be hurting, or how elated with stress you may be...take a step back and regardless of the speed bumps along the way, try to enjoy the ride.

hawthorn bebs.

in two, hopefully, short days i will be reunited...
reunited with a group of absolutely amazing girls. ones who, all year,  but more so recently, have been my only means of consistent and legitimate support in times i had never expected to face.

whether they know it or not, their stupendous and unfathomably amazing friendships have given me a sense of worth in a time where life has been testing, and somewhat confusing. they have been there in the most crucial of times, even more so, in times when others should be there and werent for whatever reasons, each his own. they have supported my decisions and met them with such beautiful acceptance that even when i lost distrust in my own meandering choices they took my derailed thoughts and placed them so carefully back on track.

not to dismiss any other friendships; i have some of the most intricate and vast group of friends-all of which i know are there for me in a moments time. but in speaking more so of recent occurrences, these girls have been my rocks. my foundation. the shoulder to cry on. the ear to listen. the mouth to offer advice, encouragement, honesty and support.

so you can understand my absolutely giddy approach to this impending weekend. god knows each and everyone of them will provide me with their own little twist of life that i adore and admire so much. i hope everyone is as fortunate and rich as me in this area of life. so heres the shout out to my favourite bunch of crap bags; hawthorn 7, piss your pants, yo bebs!, wo wo wo, 2 gingers, a blonde, 2 brunettes and one serious mix breed. love you all not just for who you are, but who you make me.

worrying is like a rocking chair...

worrying. its such an odd concept. its time consuming yet completely fruitless, pointless even.

so why do we do it? when self reflecting; i chalk my immense and sometimes inordinate worry up to fear of the unknown in addition to fear of the steps that may be taken to get to this negatively touted 'unknown.'

when faced with new, unchartered territorial situations, especially in cases where i feel uneducated or 'out of the loop' so to speak-i find myself just consumed with worry in such ways that debilitate the course of my day, or to be somewhat brash, my life in general. it becomes apparent to others; my words, actions, complete demeanor and character are affected.

i need to regain a sense of trust within myself, others and to whatever powers may be. i need to trust things happen for a reason and that you cant curve the outcome of a situation regardless how strongly and immensely it worries me, nor by how much it may scare me, make me ache in ways i never quite knew existed. anyone who procures the same soulfully unfortunate worrying habits that i do can empathize and wallow in their own sense of self doubt but i want to think instead of cornering ourselves into a place of anguish, perplexity and absolute torment, we need to set aside the anxiety, fight the tears, ignore the protruding predictions, distain any and all blame on ourselves, or others for the continuous evoked feelings of doubt and acknowledge the uncertainty of the course of things to come with the most optimism and acceptance as possible.

as baz luhrmann once said, or sang for that matter...
"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing 
bubblegum."

trust and integrity.

when do you know you can truly trust someone?
when do you reach the point within your friendship, relationship or otherwise that will allow you to disregard any evoked emotions of distrust or intent to safe guard yourself?

sometimes i think i get there with someone and i truthfully feel a sense of mutual respect and furthermore-almost a feeling of security with them.

until they do that one thing. 

that one thing that completely reverts me back into distrust towards them. it can be the smallest of things or the largest. my trust doesnt wield any 'standards' pertaining to the weight of the matter-it just scares easily.

but that one thing just structuralizes an ill feeling in my gut, a protruding, taunting thought in my head and bluntly put-makes me feel like complete shit.

recently an individual that i have somewhat intricately been linked to, through no choice of my own, put me in that place. i finally felt, regardless of situation, a trust with this person-a trust that i didnt even fully understand due to its immediacy and strength. i let them see sides of me some of my best friends have yet to even know exist. then they did that one little thing...in the form of testing my integrity.

to some people integrity is a foreign word, or they not quite hold much countenance for the word or what it means, but i do. i truly deem integrity as one of the most beautiful and awe inspiring qualities a person can attain. integrity cant be measured, or tested and maybe thats why i perceive it to be a 'unicorn' type of quality. but its something i have been told i have, something im proud to have..and when someone even so much as surmises i lack this aristocratic, illustrious trait, my heart, trust, compassion, respect for them shatters. it doesnt bend, break or crack-it shatters into pieces that dont feel as if they will ever be fixable, or if the case be that they are...they never fit quite the same.

sure, they can apologize. they can brush it off. any array of retaliations but ill never quite feel the same about this person in question. i presume its a defense mechanism ive developed over time, possibly due to previous lack lustre experiences with trust. all i know is they have taken a sense of pride from me that wasnt all that easy to attain in the first place;  you take away someones pride, you take away a piece of their soul.

signs; fact or fiction?

what is a 'sign?'

people always talk about signs-as if their meticulously placed through out life to guide us in a sense or way that we cant even begin to explore or manifest.

i never really paid ownage to this form of seemingly absurd idea or any of the retaliating ideologies it holds. i never really did until it felt like this sign was smacking me in the face-metaphorically of course. it began with a feeling that transpired into an unfortunate happening which prevented, which then transpired into a prolonging...all of an event im not 100% certain i want to be a part of. 

so when does it migrate from mere coincidence to a 'sign?'

as previously stated; a sort of...event-if it must be dubbed anything-has been to take place a few times now. this event i dont feel particularly optimistic about or even comfortable with for that matter. the first time it was to begin its progression, there was a small part of me resisting in a way i had never quite experienced, with pure hesitation. then it followed with a freak speed bump type of occurrence that prevented it from happening and NOW this event which was to take place at a certain time has been prolonged further, citing schedule conflicts.

is this enough to be considered a sign? or am i looking, desperately at that, for any means possible to litigate my resistance thus making me and my feelings towards it seem less insubordinate and relentless?

i just wish there was someone to part the clouds and make it all clear. palpable. unambiguous. 

and in a sense, thats what i so unreasonably, want these proceedings to be; someone telling me whats right, whats wrong...the signs, working in unison to declare the "right things to do" or impart some form-any form-of wisdom on me, shed some light. words could never wholly reiterate the gravity of what im looking for i suppose. thats why i think we personally quest for the apparition of signs-to give us something to believe in, to use as our last minute 'pardon from the warden.'

or..are they simply, utterly and completely just...occurrences, thrust upon us for reasons we cant explain.

i guess we'll never know if these 'signs' or the idea of their nature truly exist or if they are a fabrication of someone holding onto a hope or absolution...that is most certainly not coming.

fall into line or come out swinging.

for those of you who dont know me...im a self proclaimed and notorious 'people-pleaser.'

i go with the flow of traffic, so to speak, and avoid conflict at every formitable chance possible. its worked out quite well for me thus far;i have great friends, great family, i like to consider myself a successful student and all around human being. however sometimes i think to myself-when will it come time that i formulate my own strong point and stick with it? regardless of others opinions or feelings. regardless of what may or may not be considered socially acceptable. regardless of anything for that matter.

i guess i find a beautiful simplicity in being easy to work and live with and i know people appreciate my ability to adhere to their wants and needs but i question when does it become debilitating to my own pride and sense of self worth.

recently i found myself in a situation where i have actually been put on this very metaphorical spot. having to make a decision. i hate making decisions-regardless of big or small-even mere acquaintances of mine know this. i make the biggest deal out of every single one, as if it were a "weight of the world" type of decision. and maybe thats the foundation of my sometimes easily coaxed attitude; to simplify my life and relieve any and all stress by just agreeing and sucking up any and all left over emotion pertaining to the decision made. maybe.

but in past times a decision such as this would have been 100% based on the other persons recourse or what they had beseeched so strongly to me, but i find myself, in this moment, being more narcissistic than ever.  well, maybe narcissistic is the wrong word, as it denotes a sense of negativity, but i feel like for once my opinion and how strongly, morally and ethically i feel on the subject should be more than predominant in my decision making process.

i dont want to be misconstrued-im in no way an egocentric person-i welcome an array of different stances on things and situations in life, but for once i feel like my stance should be the one considered and accepted and all else that is involved in 'getting your way.'

so when do you back down, or for that matter, when do you rise up-and stand for what you want and refuse to be persuaded or even coerced into a decision you feel no legitimacy towards?

do you base your persistence of a choice on how morally and ethically denounced their choice is or do you just simply tap into the root of your feelings about it and go from there?

as a people pleaser, my initial instinct is to wave the white flag and be submissive to the other persons requests, setting aside personal feelings. but then, just when i start to retreat, i find myself remembering and somewhat embracing the words of the great Malcolm X, who once said "if you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything." 

not that i feel a particular need to stand for something, i just know deep down in the core of my heart and soul, i could never live with myself for falling for anything. 

thus the decision becomes; fall into line or come out swinging. 

god, i hate decisions.


the double standard

lets face it. hell, lets just blatantly put it out there; women face double standards on almost any and all situations known to man (excuse the undoubtable pun.)

its nice to think of all the areas women, as a whole and as individuals have evolved and increased the strength of a womans worth but i cant help but digress into the obvious and abundantly sad fact that we just arent equals with men, taking into account social and hypocrisized areas of life.

lets look at the ever debatable and seemingly irritable subject of sexual activity. when recently discussing with a male room mate why it is so acceptable in society for a man to be promiscuous while a female is shunned for any such action involving a sexual freedom he told me this:

"if a key can open any door-its called a master key. if a lock can be opened by any key-its a shitty lock"

the analogy, although colourful and very 'persuading'-have you, just reiterated to me the lack of acceptance woman have created for themselves in this world.

so what if we want to be sexually liberated? we've been caged in, cooped up and told to smile and cross our legs for decades. who decided and when was it decided mens sometimes sexually deviant behaviour was acceptable and ours wasnt?

as if thats not bad enough, woman who have attempted to break down that metaphorical door and embrace their sexual confidence and security have been considered detrimental to the dubbed womens movement. some, what we could call, 'trail blazers' like marilyn monroe and madonna have been hailed as 'sluts' or other incredibly demeaning terms coined by men to further lessen our ability to make sexually suggestive moves without reprecautions. 

even Freud entertained the idea that women were lessened and in a more precarious way about their sexual identities in society. he so bluntly called it "penis envy." he believed, as found in his theory of psychosexual development, that during the phallic stage-so between the ages of 3 and 5- young girls distance themselves from their mothers and instead, redirect and devote their affections to their fathers. 

Freud claimed this occurred when a girl became educated and could differentiate between sexes and thus realized that she had no penis. 
"Girls hold their mother responsible for their lack of a penis and do not forgive her for their being, thus put at a disadvantage." 

even some of the most intelligent psycho analysts of time have somewhat decreed upon us, in a sense, the knowledge that woman lack the sexual competency that men do-heck, we learn it as prematurely as age 3!

although, i myself, find no particular interest in the area of sexual exploration through promiscuity-i would love to hold out hope that one day women can be open and honest about their wants and needs in the sexual sense without judgement or unacceptable backlash. its just one smaller step towards becoming the equals we have always wanted to be. no, its not by any means as impactful or even seemingly as important as things such as equality in salary or political or job oriented rights, but its something we all complain about, yet make no progress towards in fear of societies lacklustre acceptance of the matter. its about time for some change in ALL areas of the double standard-regardless of how its rated on the scale of importance.


dazed and confused.

free spirit living.
free speech. free love. free. free. free.

i find myself being more and more drawn to this seemingly mythical idea of what life was like. past tense. 
i find myself overcome with utter and absolute jealousy for the people who rocked out their teen years in the 60s and 70s. the entire sub culture that was these decades just taunts me.

recently my room mates and i spent a night evolving ourselves in a history playback, spending the night watching movies like dazed and confused.

for those of you who dont know (shame on you.); dazed and confused is a movie based on the lives of high schoolers in 1976-it takes place over one day and night, following these kids, illustrating life in the 70s...and all the freedoms that came with it. each time i watch this overly prodigious movie, i find myself questioning the so called "rules" of today. even some of the events that take place in the movie that i dont so whole heartedly agree with, i realize would land a teeny bopper in the clink in this day and age.

take for example; the pledge. in the movie the football team is required to sign a piece of paper that says they wont drink or do drugs. as IF that would surfice for todays sports teams. now its drug tests and interrogation, possible exemption from the sport for so much as taking a hit of a tiny little spliff.  dont miscontrue my words, i agree drug testing for performance enhancing drugs is more than required in sports, it equals playing field and calls out our true atheletes for their true abilities. but for anyone who dabbles in the more herbal of "drugs" can tell you, firing up a joint isnt going to get you jacked or help you throw the winning TD-it may, however, make you wanna watch the lion king with a box of wheat thins at 4pm on a sunday afternoon. in this film, they simply ask that you dont rage-fair enough, but would not fly in the over dramatic and rule abiding society that is today.

secondly, initiation day is represented so predominantly in this film it makes me almost FEEL the ketchup in my earlobes from my own grade 9 experience. for those who are hazy on the concept of an initiation day, its a sort of ritual where the senior students almost somewhat 'pick on' the freshman, or grade nines in a welcoming yet abrasive way. i will never declare it hazing as i feel it puts a negative connotation on the experience and it was anything but that. most schools in my area have ruled out and against any and all forms of an initiation day, or what my school so stealthy called it " Your Day " as our world has become a time of over abundant zero tolerance. yes-i believe in the steps taken to prevent bullying and all the harassment that one can take on in high school, however, my initiation day was probably one of the many highlights of high school. did i get mayonnaise in my hair? yes. did i get tied to a goal post and covered in honey? yes. was i required to bob for apples..in a sardine water filled blow up pool? yes. do i feel hostility or shudder at the thought of these events? no. i embraced them. just as those in the times of dazed and confused did.

maybe i just love that freedom so much i dont see the benefits of the rules put into place but 
ask your parents, aunts, uncles-they will tell you how full of life and optimism the 60s and 70s contained. they didnt coin the term "the good old days.." for nothing. my parents regale the tales of how good life was and i see a distinct sense of pride and over consuming joy on their faces when they do so. not to mention, my mom says, the music was bitching back then. yes, she did in fact use that word-to my horror.

sometimes i just wish the societies of today could remember when times were simpler, in the 'living life to the fullest' sense. times when opening a brew on the road didnt get you a $145 dollar fine, or a time when we didnt treat our cell phones like children-caring for them as we would our young, i still have a heart attack every time i think ive lost my phone. much to my dismay-im completely and whole heartedly dependent on that thing.

i will, however, credit our generation with the 'go green', eco friendly efforts but i will forever tip my metaphorical hat to those who bent the rules, spoke freely, made the most unreal music the world has ever heard, lived for the moment and gave us all something to envy.

in holy matrimony..."dun dun dun"

every time i cruise facebook, i notice an ever growing and somewhat disturbing "phase" or trend-im going to call it.
an ABUNDANT number of people my age getting engaged and married. (not to mention having baby after baby after baby..but ill save that for another blog.)

why are people rushing so seemingly whole heartedly into marriage?

back in the 'olden days' marriage was rushed into because women wanted to be taken care of or it was arranged for parents to benefit, etc etc...i like to think we've come a long way since then..

is it something couples feel obligated to do after a certain amount of time?
is it to ensure future social acceptance?
is it simple because they are happy?

i understand the concept of marriage, im not totally sure it is something i personally wish to experience or participate in, however i get the genre consensus of the subject.

you love someone. you only want to be with that one person. you see them as someone you could build a future and a family with. there in lies the reasons to marry them.

but why the rush? why are people feeling the need to legate the relationship at age 22, sometimes even younger!

lets not misconstrue my opinions or thoughts on the matter; i know plenty of couples who married young who are happy, successful and evoking zero regrets and in turn, i am nothing but happy for them. i am simply questioning the rush.

i feel like agreeing to 'holy matrimony' at such a young age is slightly juvenile and illusively restricting. i keep thinking, imagine one day you meet someone, someone youve never imagined existed-possibly your true soulmate (assuming you believe in that..stuff.) and you thrill and wonder and question it but ultimately you will never be able to experience meeting and getting to know this person because you decided at age 20 that you had met the person your suppose to be with. hell im 22 and i still cant decide which toothpaste is best for me! i cant even begin to fathom at age 22 even meeting enough people or going enough places or experiencing enough of what life and this earth have to offer to have met that certain someone.

what if one day you decide you want to go on a year long back packing tour through europe or spend a year working at whistler...low and behold your significant other has no desire to do so. well your shit out of luck because after you marry someone your lives become one and all future decisions on either of your lives have to be made and agreed upon by TWO people. you can kiss good bye any selfishness (which, from my experience can be incredibly rewarding and sometimes more than necessary to be completely true to yourself, your wants and your needs.) so here you are at 21, 22, 23...and your married. the option to explore and learn and grow and think of yourself and have your solidarity is gone.

i continuously think of all the things i want to accomplish for myself before i can begin thinking of someone elses wants and needs and it basically bewilders me. i want to travel, get the job of my dreams, pay off my school debt and most importantly TRULY discover who i am and what i want out of life-how can any of that really be accomplished when distracted by an other person and what they WANT.

what if i want to travel...they dont. the job of my dreams is 3000 miles from the job of their dreams. i want to pay off school debt but i have a mortgage and payments of a stupid 10,000 wedding dress. what if i am one person when they meet me and find out im a totally different person ten years from them? you run the risk of falling out of love. if theres one thing i detest more than an absurdly premature marriage, its an absurdly premature divorce.

i realize my rant doesnt change peoples beliefs and they will pursue their illusive wedding plans regardless, all im stating is people need to think of this in a mature and realistic way. if you get married at 22 and live to be 92...you are potentially able to be married for 70 years. 70 YEARS. more than 3 times longer than you have already been alive. its beautiful and heart warming if it happens but 70 years with one person that you met when you were still living off of mom and dad is a long time.

for me, personally, i have decided that im at the age of ME time. i want to get everything out of life that i can while i can without doubts or discussions or needing approval from anyone. i want the time that i meet and marry, if i chose to do so, to be the best time of my life, i want to be ME. and i just cant see that right now.

so to all those who are married, engaged, etc...i am truly happy for you and wish you all the best.
but for all those taking it easy, day by day, living life like there may be no tomorrow and truly experiencing what it has to offer....i am impressed by you.

pleasant observations

its amazing the things that change with time. and the things that dont, for that matter.

recently one of my best friends and i were discussing high school-however juvenile, college and basically everything that has transpired in between; people, situations, relationships and so on.

while discussing the terrain of events we noticed a few things.

lack of change.
the people in high school who lacked the ambition to conquer and flourish STILL lack those same qualities that have allowed those of us who have, in fact, succeeded to do just that.
Every town, every school has those select few people who never quite evoke themselves into successful individuals, they never leave their home town, never get a solid education (and assuming they do-they move home post education and get a lackluster job-not career-job) they go to the same bar on the same nights with the same people, and how do they afford that? by living with their parents, rent free, groceries and utilities taken care of.
i know these people, so do you-like i said, everrrrry town has them.
each time i go home, i encounter these people-hell...i dated one of them and to be more than remotely honest
-his lack of ambition to escape the deathly grasp of a one horse town was less than appealing and ultimately made him appear a lesser in the mental capacity area. but i digress...


the strength, or lack there of, in friendships.
there were people in school who were knit into such strong and co-dependent relationships
you couldnt fathom seeing them apart, living seperate lives
-however, post high school they barely speak or when they do the conversation is composed of customary niceties that youd expect from "old friends" and random how are you's via facebook, no seclusion.
is it the value these people put in their relationships, is it mere laziness or were there possibly a serious of unfortunate events leading to the so called demise of their friendships?
regardless or the ailing events-their friendships were no more.
then there are the relationships i believe i have been involved in; true, heartfelt, give/take friendships.
my group of friends rarely had so much as a disagreement it seem the friends who had less "fights" and less laguna beach type drama seemed to have the stronger, more structured relationships to this day.

its amazing the things that change and the things that dont and how little each one surprises you; your observations and assumptions of people seem to generally prove true. there's individuals i knew would only spiral downward post high school and they have. friendships i feel came with a short ended expiry date did indeed expire and some even spoiled for that matter. you always hope for the best for everyone (however human nature it is to cheer for the downfalls of possible 'competitors') but it sure is nice to observe the traits that you accumulated and developed over time fulfill all the aspirations you had for yourself even if its in the sometimes smaller and less impactual areas of life. i can look back to high school up until now and see my dreams slowly but steadily coming true and my friendships strengthening and continuing to reward all those involved. so, i guess it could be assumed that im overly and abundantly pleased with my best friend and i's observations-i dig the lack of change and believe wholeheartedly in the strength of friendships.

what does it mean to you

kindness. empathy. compassion.

what do these words mean to you?

can you picture them?

can you place an exact moment or image that attaches meaning to these words?

up until today i couldnt, they were just words to me; words i understood, words i had somewhat experienced, words i attempt to evoke into actions.

today they became a reality, something i could visualize when hearing them. the exact precedent of what they TRULY meant.

i decided to go to the grocery store after my final class of the day to pick up a few of the essentials, so i took the always overly vacated number 7 bus as far as it would take me and walked the rest of the way down to zehrs. i accumulated my "must haves"-which consisted of the very foreseen objects for a university student; coffee-to keep me awake whilst paying penance for the previous nights debauchery, popcorn-to snack on while reading countless of required chapters in countless of required books, and of course my always esteemed and indulgent hummus and pita.
with my select few purchases i got into line in that desired 1-8 item line and proceeded to wait.

i noticed a man one person up from me fidgeting, digging into his pocket, looking at his future purchases, then peering back down at the money in his hands, then looking in such a perplexed and ashamed way at his son, who stood idly by holding a tiny toy car in a box with the most innocent and endearing smile i have ever seen on a child.

once the cashier rang him in and re-iterated the 'damage' so to speak. the man bowed his head and told her he had to return something, she inserted her look of remorse and nodded. i understood the situation, i had seen it before, maybe once or twice. its that situation that we as canadians have been fortunate enough not to encounter as often as those of lesser countries. my heart broke in that instance-that moment that i realized this man did not have enough money. he had to endure the moment when he walks past the rest of the line to return an item due to lack of funds-the ultimate embarrassment. even more so as his son watched.

just then i observed a guy directly in front of me pull out a twenty dollar bill and drop it on the floor. shortly after i witnessed the most beautiful act of kindness i have ever seen in my entire 22 years on earth.

the guy in front of me tapped the mortified man in front of him.
"excuse me sir, i think you dropped that a moment ago."

he then pointed to the twenty dollar bill laying on the floor in front of him. the man hesitated; he knew it wasnt his-i knew it wasnt his, but in that moment-the two men exchanged glances and had an understanding, an understand of kindness, empathy and compassion. with that look, that moment of understanding, the man picked up the bill and paid for his purchases, as he left he glanced back at the guy in front of me and gave him the most heartfelt nod, with a smile that could only be exemplified by someone with such thanks and admiration that the man had.

i was bewildered. but not confused, in fact, i was finally in understanding of what those words truly meant and looked like; kindness, empathy, compassion. i saw it first hand- this is the way humans are SUPPOSED to be. the intricacy of how beautiful it was engulfed me in emotion to the extent of legitimate tears filling my eyes. i will never forget what i saw and from this moment on i will attempt to take on the humanadocious morals that the guy in front of me displayed. he didnt do it for recognition or attention, he just simply cared.

so what do kindness, empathy and compassion mean to me now?

everything.

the best things in life ARENT free.

all of our lives we are told to eat our vegetables. get exercise. stay healthy.

it all seems like a simple enough concept using resources like the gym and eating from the four food groups.

easy right? well..not really.
its something i have been noticing for quite some time and it has officially made its way to my metaphorical 'hit list' (via blog of course!)

gym memberships..expensive.
fruits, vegetables, dairy, meat...expensive.
vitamins, supplements, etc...expensive.
being healthy is TOO expensive.

i grew up in a household that was crappy food free-to put it bluntly.
we didnt indulge in pop or chips-EVER.
we lived on 8 acres, so there was always some activity to be doing to get some daily exercise.
we had a family gym membership to get in strength and cardio training.
we had a pool, theres an abundance of benefits to swimming, as we all know.

but now that im a university student, toughing it out in the trenchs-i dont have the luxuries and benefits of living at home, where food was supplied and consumed-no questions as to how expensive the entire pint of blueberries i had just eaten were, where we had a family membership to the gym, me never taking into account how expensive an individual one would be. i find now that maintaining a healthy lifestyle has become an empire within itself, as if all the components of healthy living were integrated into one mutual and collaborative decision to rip us off, whilst we attempt to make educated, healthy decisions that will further benefit our lives.

sure, i take advantage of every day life opportunities to be healthy. i walk when its nice out, drink plenty of water that is readily available to me, and i am even in the middle of a wickedly aggressive training regiment for a marathon in just a few short months-persisting me to run a couple km's every few days. but its not enough taking into other aspects of 'healthy living.' how much strength training do you acquire from a sundays mid afternoon walk across campus and where in h2o is the health benefits provided in the four food groups?

we are told to be healthy, that our very existence depends on it.
so why do they make it unsparingly difficult for us? so seemingly impossible?
MAYBE, just maybe if roles were reversed and healthy food was cheap, gym memberships were cheap and vitamins were cheap, we'd see a healthier, happier nation with less hospitalization, less treatment, less medication, less illness....ultimately equaling in less money from the taxpayers to provide for the backlash of this indubitably expensive lifestyle we call healthy.

just a thought.

science or paranormal?




you have a nightmare.
of someone standing over you.
your in your room. your house. exactly where you remember falling asleep.
then you "wake up."-and cant move, cant speak. 
you try to tell yourself to yell. scream. breathe. hyperventilate. move. run. 
all in retaliation of fear of the image that just perpetrated your brain, intruding your sleep.
but you cant.
your frozen. 

have you ever experienced this completely detrimental and utterly terrifying event?

i hadn't up until early november. i had been sleeping at a friends house in london when i awoke to the, hands down, most excruciatingly frightening experience of my life. a dream of a person cloaked in a black gown, no visible features, no movements, no words-just stood like a stranger in the night, over top of me, watching me. in the first moments of seeing this, i truly believed an intruder had come into my friends house. i attempted to scream and sit myself up but nothing happened. my body ignored any and all commands, pleas-have you, from my brain to "save myself."

minutes after i found myself able to move. after regaining any lost sense of control, i chalked it up to a bad dream and went back to bed (not before turning on a light AND the tv in the room.)

i diluted my brain of the experience and carried on my sometimes over active, deep seeded love for sleep, as many students can attest to having!
until it happened again when i returned to school. 
just as vivid the second time. just as frightening. realistic. mind altering.


after the second occurrence of this- what i have learnt to be a sleep phenomena- i was truly petrified to sleep. to such a severity that when i felt myself getting tired i would pinch myself. drink countless cups of coffee and even set my alarm to wake me every so many minutes. it had become detrimental to my health and my education-completely debilitating my life, so to speak. after sharing my experiences with my parents about the events that had transpired, we decided it prudent to speak with my doctor-as it had begun to affect my health.

i was soon to learn the frightening facts, beliefs and theories on what i was experiencing.
now, i consider myself a realist. i believe in what science tells us. what can be proved in front of my very eyes-its the way i was raised and educated. i find this keeps me grounded.

but after talking to the doctor i have had since before i evacuated the womb, i learnt what i was experiencing was considered above and beyond anything that can be read in any medical journal.
yes-there is a term for what i was experiencing. its called sleep paralysis. when a person suddenly finds themselves unable to move for a few minutes, most often upon falling asleep or waking up. Sleep paralysis is due to an ill-timed disconnection between the brain and the body.

simple right? wrong.

my doctor then followed this medical assessment with that of a more deviate and eccentric theory. sleep paralysis, has been found in studies, to be an act of paranormal sleep phenomena.Sleep paralysis goes by an assortment of names around the world-as it has been recognized and studied on countless continents. names include the "old hag" in Newfoundland (for an old witch thought to sit on the chest of the paralyzed sleeper), "kokma" in the West Indies (for a ghost baby who jumps on the sleeper's chest and attacks the throat), "kanashibari" in Japan and "gui ya" or ghost pressure in China (because a ghost is believed to sit on and assault the sleeper).


Sleep_Paralysis.jpg

after hearing this, what i considered to be an unorthodox, theory. i decided to research it; i got countless upon countless hits on the subject of sleep paralysis, oddly enough, the greater majority of these internet findings were that of the paranormal. i watched videos. read articles. observed medical studies. laughed at ridiculous theories. but they all distinguished the same ideas. this was out of the norm.


some people claim to experience this on a regular basis, some to the point of being hospitalized. and some may laugh and title this all just absurd and droll, i can tell you, after being a 5 time experiencer-its is by far the most extreme of feeling and emotions, all in the frightening sense. words cannot describe the moment to be truthful. you awake without breath, in fear.
imagine swimming in the ocean and seeing a 14 foot great white shark approaching you, jaws open. imagine that fear-now...welcome to my situation.

most people have had that dream that their 'running', or attempting to, yet their limbs wont cooperate-imagine that-but being awake, not being able to breathe and being in a complete state of panic and in addition to the immobility, the common symptoms that include feeling choked or suffocated, hearing strange noises like footsteps and voices, seeing beings or dark shadows, and feeling an existance of someone in the room. thats not your everyday nightmare.

after reading testimonials from a variety of individuals who were just as unfortunate as me to experience this, i noticed all had the same symptoms, even the EXACT same dreams. pure fear.

was i going crazy? were we all crazy? is it just science? alien abductions (as some more "out there" theorists attempt to claim it is) the old hag?

now i sit here, after just experiencing another episode (hence the 4am blog!) and wonder is it science, is it paranormal?


 im a realist, but this re occurring event has led me somewhat astray from my abundantly average beliefs. 
science can prove so much on the matter; basically saying its sleep paralysis and all it is, is a disconnection between the brain and the body amidst REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. but i somehow cannot imagine any scientific understanding or legitimacy for the things i see in my nightmares, or what some believe NOT to be nightmares at all. maybe im being a skeptic, maybe i really am losing my mind, or are just running on such little sleep that my brain is exhausted and fabricating ideas that aren't even, in fact, real. but the fear i feel when i awake from this experience is real- just utter, unaffected, 100% terror. my heart beats with the strength of ten men and my breathe runs as fast as usain bolt. my body freezes but my mind races and yells and demands with no reciprocation. i feel like i'm a star in a freddy kruger movie-only its real and i cant stop it, i cant turn the tv off and remind myself it isn't real, because the terror is real. some people i have discussed this with have simply stated "oh its just a nightmare."-a nightmare is the UNconscious mind. i can assure you, i am completely and disgustingly conscious when this occurs. i wish i weren't, i wish it were the run of the mill nightmare. one you wake up to in a cold sweat and thank god it was just a nightmare, then fall back asleep-basically unaffected.


i laugh even thinking i have spent x amount of time writing this blog JUST to put off the inevitable sleep that proceeds me. i just lavish the idea that this is normal. that others experience this to the extent that i do. that ill grow out of it. maybe its stress related. thankfully, with the understanding and empathetic nature of my family doctor i am attending a sleep clinic next week, followed by an EEG to maintain my noggin is, in fact, all in tact and in working order, so to speak. hopefully i can understand. be "treated."-whatever, because if there is a god, there is no way he would allow this to continue.

until the next 4am night terror, night mare, sleep paralysis, waking by the hag, alien abduction-whatever theory you believe, i wish you a good sleep, or at least one better than mine.

get busy livin'

                           blifecast1.jpg   

 Sitting down with pitas and a tub of hummus. i looked forward to popping my "Bachelor" cherry. now before you go getting your mind stuck in the gutter-i must elaborate;

i have NEVER watched the bachelor. 

the concept is lost on me. 
yes, i understand the illusive idea that the bachelor in fact will find his "true love" but i cant imagine having to do so in such a manner, assuming you believe the idea of true love in the first place. but let me throw this down from my perspective...

the bachelor is on his quest for true love, true love is assumed to be a monogamous form of love.

monogamy:
  • The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.
    1. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
    2. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.
  • Zoology. The condition of having only one mate during a breeding season or during the breeding life of a pair.

    • regardless of which definition you take into account-each displays the same idea...one person, singular, uno, un. 
    so why is this show comprised of an allotment of woman all vying for one mans love? a man they have never met, at that!

    the basis of this show is beyond absurd. one man is essentially dating 25 woman. (hello pilogamy!) after each episode he gives one or more women the boot, until the illustrious one is chosen. 

    doesn't that make this show a complete hypocrisy?
    ...don't be monogamous in the quest to find the ultimate monogamous relationship. 
    the bachelor in question, is basically just fishing; throwing back the ones not up to his touchstone.
    imagine not one of the 25 girls is righteously and veritably for him, he may instinctively just chose the better of the remaining 'minions.' and while im on a roll here, could i possibly point out the pending question, why does a guy who seems legitimately PERFECT have to be on such a show-shouldn't girls be pouring over themselves to get the chance to date such a gem? AND lest these girls forget that not every date they go on with the 'bachelor' will be candle lit while consuming chocolate covered strawberries and drinking an abundance of white wine.
    thus i come to the conclusion: the entire concept is of this show is ridiculous, hypocritical and ultimately a fallacy.
    before taking it upon myself to experience this show i was unable to comment, now that i have wasted an hour of my life on such a misleading and to be blunt, stupid show...i can say, without a doubt, i would have been better off attempting to dig a hole to china.

    with that being said. i have to retort. i also watched a television show tonight that blew my mind, and not in the jersey shore "oh my god i cant believe snookie got punched in the face by a guy" type of way. in a way that actually made me feel something, almost a sense of empathy and empowerment...all mixed into one.

    the buried life.

    anyone who watched it can concur, it forces you to re-evaluate your life; in general, in sequences. just re-evaluate what you want out of it. what risks, what dreams. 
    the buried life focuses on four friends who made a list of things they wanted to accomplish before they died. with this list, they boarded a bus and travelled all over to complete the tasks on the list, and with every task they completed, they helped someone else along the way. what a beautiful, mind altering concept. even considering tonights episode focused on the list objective to get into a party at the playboy mansion, they also put themselves out there, at the mercy of the people in los angeles and raised enough money to buy a computer for an underfunded school they had recently visited.

    how refreshing is it to see a show on tv focused on the good things people can do.
    dont get me wrong-im not going to lie and say i dont love a good old fashioned episode of jersey shore-drama and all. but seeing a show with such a positive and ambitious message, so to speak is amazing. 

    so what i learnt tonight; 
    tv reality shows based upon non monogamous love outlines...bad.
    tv show focused on helping others, living life to the fullest and achieving dreams...good.

    as Duncan, from the buried life, said: get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

    amen.

    if i knew then what i know now...

    after a long drawn out vacation from the tribulations of writing a blog. i have returned. not that i have lacked the emotional turmoil or ever eventful life that persuades me to write blogs, i just simply decided to focus my deep seeded energy into the more currently productive things in life, like school and my impending success.

    however, i am making a triumphant and abundant return to my blog, for within the past two months i have experienced things i never even thought i would have to, nor want to-for that matter...therefore my first blog will contain the most lush and heavy of words, statements, dreams, fears and emotions that i can possible grasp and omit. 

    family. what is a family? is it a close, connected, supportive, loving and successfully grouped collection of people or is it simply a gene tied collection of human beings? i like to believe option A. i love my family, they are my rock, my solid structure of ever growing and continuous support in all that i pursue in life, including my short comings and sometimes disappointing choices. recently i accrued information on a family member that has left me disheartened and, to be vague-lost. lost in the sense that this individual was the single closest person to me and their secret has forced me into the realization that you can never truly know anyone, regardless of how close you may be or how much you trust them.

    i am now faced with wearing the weight of this secret. and at some point in time, actually and thoroughly acknowledging this secret. i feel fear and resentment but also i find myself wanting to take on feelings of understanding and empathy, key word being WANTING. i want to be supportive and loving-as i have previously stated is what i believe the premises of what a family truly is. 

    laughing to myself, i think of times when life was simple. your parents were perfect. fighting with your siblings was expected. the opposite sex was icky. school was easy. you didnt have car payments, rent, cell phone bills-need i continue? if children were able to understand the gravity of how beautiful youth and wonder and especially lack of knowledge on the real world was i would tell each and everyone of them; enjoy your youth. enjoy recess. enjoy allowance. enjoy guilt free ice cream eating. enjoy cartoons. enjoy what is a seemingly picture perfect life. a life where you dont quite register things such as disappointment, death, pain and all the more morbid things we adults have been exposed to, that which-wether we know it or not-has begun to mold and possibly debilitate areas of our lives.

    for me, the time has come where i have accepted the inevitable fate of being "grown up." it never dawned upon me what it really meant, entitled me to, opened me up to and knowing what i know now its safe to say if i had those years back, back to the days when i used to watch care bears and eat fruit loops i would cherish them with every ounce of my being and every inch of my heart.

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