am i enough?
perhaps one of the most common and secretive self reflective questions that asserts itself through any inidivduals brain.
that question. that most extensive question can be the almost debilitating.
atleast it is for me.
anyone who knows me at all knows my utter hatred for self doubt, regret or contemplation pertaining to my sense of self worth or integrity. i like to put all my eggs in one basket, i depend on myself for everything, i feel this doesnt not permit me to be disappointed. however every now and then i find myself, in a variety of situations pondering the question "am i good enough?"
i see my self worth. i believe i have become a strong, independent woman but when certain continuously flustering situation arise i return to this futile question.
i think i know the origin of any self doubt i may possess.
when attempting to analyse where these self depricating feelings came from i disected some of the main areas of emotion in my life.
school. i feel accomplished and successful in my education. i have already graduated college and am half way to a degree in university. i worked hard and it paid off. when reflecting on my life thus far in the education sector, i am content. more than content, i am exhilirated with how everything has fallen into place.
next i looked at my family life. one word: amazing. i love my family, they are a strong, structed support system, especially my dad who has single handedly taught me some of the most important life lessons.
my career(s) have been nothing short of great experiences. although i have yet to enjoy the adventure of a full time, 'job for life' yet, i have been at one job for three years and have enjoyed every sole minute of it. i learnt so much about conducting myself in the appropriate business manner as well as the exact meaning and important of hard work.
friendships-i consider myself a 'lottery winner' in this category. my friends are a diverse, beautiful and downright phenomenal array of people. without them, i dont know who, what or where i would be.
then i look at my life in the form of romantic relationships-or lack there of, for that matter. i feel this area of my life is 25% comical, 25% stressful and the other 50% is making me into a compete cynique. my experiences with the opposite sex have led me to a path of self doubt. i dont like it. at all. in fact, i-to put it bluntly...fucking hate it. i have never doubted myself but when reflecting on the relationships i have had in the past three years i can almost envision my lack of confidence and self worth dwindling. quick jessicas love life resume:
first boyfriend: got cheated on then dumped
second guy i dated: cheated on
third guy: usedddd-major
fourth guy: treated like the dirt in the crevase of his boots.
i apologize for the wah-wah, poor me factor of this blog but i almost feel i have earned and reserved the right to complain-just a little. and let me ensure this: i do not need a 'man' to make me happy. i love my life at this current time-in fact im so content in my single status that i would prefer no guy talk to me ever again...a ten foot distance at all times would be ideal. they just complicate things, they mess with my growing self assurance in who i am and who i have to become. i dont see ANY man as an intricate part of my survival.
HOWEVER, i feel an incesant need state my UTTER hatred for the following. i see every girl from unintelligent, or to put it simply..brainless to promiscuous to downright fatal attraction-like, with a significant other and i honestly contemplate the mental status of men.
why, on earth, do guys divulge in woman who want to bust their balls for every and anything?
why do they want to date girls who have the IQ of a raisin?
why do they want to date girls who have been rode hard and put away wet? (for those of you who dont quite get the analogy: it means girls who have literally slept with every guy within a 10 mile radius)
i cannot even come close to wrapping my head around these questions. and the saddest part of this entire tirade is that the majority of single girls are the amazing ones-the ones who are nothing but accepting of a significant others wants and needs, are intellectually advanced and have a lot of self respect and dignity. but apparently in todays society (for the most part) these girls are the doormats-the overlooked, underappreciated. now i will recant that i dont believe EVERY girl who has a boyfriend is controlling, dumb or slutty. i have plenty of friends in healthy, strong, respectable relationships but i am noticing an increase in pointless, embarassing and lacklustre relationships.
i know a guy in a relationship at this current time who, is literally dating a satan like female. she treats him as if he were property or a dog. she critisizes things in his past, present and future. she would prefer to see him unhappy in the hopes to please herself. isnt a relationship about mutual respect, admiration...isnt it about giving, as well as receiving? (and not just in a sexual inuendo) but this guy will NOT break from this prison he calls a relationship and basis his decision to stay along the lines of being emotionally dependent and fearing being alone. news flash: everyone fears being alone...even if they cant come to terms with the omission that they are...they still are. we as humans are engrained with the notion of the stereotypical future: career, marriage, kids. so can we be blamed for feeling the necessity of a significant other?
setting aside any feeling i may have for this guy in question; why does he remain in a relationship so callous and visibly painful when he could indulge in a relationship that contains consistent support, respect, love and friendship? people who limit themselves this way dont even frustrate me anymore, they just force me to feel bad for them- i cannot comprehend being in the mental state of needing someone so inhibitedly that i remained in such a situation. one day those individuals stuck in the standstill relationships will see everything clearly and will ,no doubt, regret remaining in such a situation when their are sooo many other people out there who value a healthy, amazing and NORMAL relationship and could have showed them how to actually enjoy sharing their life with someone else-sadly enough...by the time some notice, those rare and sought after people will be long gone.
perhaps one of the most common and secretive self reflective questions that asserts itself through any inidivduals brain.
that question. that most extensive question can be the almost debilitating.
atleast it is for me.
anyone who knows me at all knows my utter hatred for self doubt, regret or contemplation pertaining to my sense of self worth or integrity. i like to put all my eggs in one basket, i depend on myself for everything, i feel this doesnt not permit me to be disappointed. however every now and then i find myself, in a variety of situations pondering the question "am i good enough?"
i see my self worth. i believe i have become a strong, independent woman but when certain continuously flustering situation arise i return to this futile question.
i think i know the origin of any self doubt i may possess.
when attempting to analyse where these self depricating feelings came from i disected some of the main areas of emotion in my life.
school. i feel accomplished and successful in my education. i have already graduated college and am half way to a degree in university. i worked hard and it paid off. when reflecting on my life thus far in the education sector, i am content. more than content, i am exhilirated with how everything has fallen into place.
next i looked at my family life. one word: amazing. i love my family, they are a strong, structed support system, especially my dad who has single handedly taught me some of the most important life lessons.
my career(s) have been nothing short of great experiences. although i have yet to enjoy the adventure of a full time, 'job for life' yet, i have been at one job for three years and have enjoyed every sole minute of it. i learnt so much about conducting myself in the appropriate business manner as well as the exact meaning and important of hard work.
friendships-i consider myself a 'lottery winner' in this category. my friends are a diverse, beautiful and downright phenomenal array of people. without them, i dont know who, what or where i would be.
then i look at my life in the form of romantic relationships-or lack there of, for that matter. i feel this area of my life is 25% comical, 25% stressful and the other 50% is making me into a compete cynique. my experiences with the opposite sex have led me to a path of self doubt. i dont like it. at all. in fact, i-to put it bluntly...fucking hate it. i have never doubted myself but when reflecting on the relationships i have had in the past three years i can almost envision my lack of confidence and self worth dwindling. quick jessicas love life resume:
first boyfriend: got cheated on then dumped
second guy i dated: cheated on
third guy: usedddd-major
fourth guy: treated like the dirt in the crevase of his boots.
i apologize for the wah-wah, poor me factor of this blog but i almost feel i have earned and reserved the right to complain-just a little. and let me ensure this: i do not need a 'man' to make me happy. i love my life at this current time-in fact im so content in my single status that i would prefer no guy talk to me ever again...a ten foot distance at all times would be ideal. they just complicate things, they mess with my growing self assurance in who i am and who i have to become. i dont see ANY man as an intricate part of my survival.
HOWEVER, i feel an incesant need state my UTTER hatred for the following. i see every girl from unintelligent, or to put it simply..brainless to promiscuous to downright fatal attraction-like, with a significant other and i honestly contemplate the mental status of men.
why, on earth, do guys divulge in woman who want to bust their balls for every and anything?
why do they want to date girls who have the IQ of a raisin?
why do they want to date girls who have been rode hard and put away wet? (for those of you who dont quite get the analogy: it means girls who have literally slept with every guy within a 10 mile radius)
i cannot even come close to wrapping my head around these questions. and the saddest part of this entire tirade is that the majority of single girls are the amazing ones-the ones who are nothing but accepting of a significant others wants and needs, are intellectually advanced and have a lot of self respect and dignity. but apparently in todays society (for the most part) these girls are the doormats-the overlooked, underappreciated. now i will recant that i dont believe EVERY girl who has a boyfriend is controlling, dumb or slutty. i have plenty of friends in healthy, strong, respectable relationships but i am noticing an increase in pointless, embarassing and lacklustre relationships.
i know a guy in a relationship at this current time who, is literally dating a satan like female. she treats him as if he were property or a dog. she critisizes things in his past, present and future. she would prefer to see him unhappy in the hopes to please herself. isnt a relationship about mutual respect, admiration...isnt it about giving, as well as receiving? (and not just in a sexual inuendo) but this guy will NOT break from this prison he calls a relationship and basis his decision to stay along the lines of being emotionally dependent and fearing being alone. news flash: everyone fears being alone...even if they cant come to terms with the omission that they are...they still are. we as humans are engrained with the notion of the stereotypical future: career, marriage, kids. so can we be blamed for feeling the necessity of a significant other?
setting aside any feeling i may have for this guy in question; why does he remain in a relationship so callous and visibly painful when he could indulge in a relationship that contains consistent support, respect, love and friendship? people who limit themselves this way dont even frustrate me anymore, they just force me to feel bad for them- i cannot comprehend being in the mental state of needing someone so inhibitedly that i remained in such a situation. one day those individuals stuck in the standstill relationships will see everything clearly and will ,no doubt, regret remaining in such a situation when their are sooo many other people out there who value a healthy, amazing and NORMAL relationship and could have showed them how to actually enjoy sharing their life with someone else-sadly enough...by the time some notice, those rare and sought after people will be long gone.
