reunited with a group of absolutely amazing girls. ones who, all year,  but more so recently, have been my only means of consistent and legitimate support in times i had never expected to face.

whether they know it or not, their stupendous and unfathomably amazing friendships have given me a sense of worth in a time where life has been testing, and somewhat confusing. they have been there in the most crucial of times, even more so, in times when others should be there and werent for whatever reasons, each his own. they have supported my decisions and met them with such beautiful acceptance that even when i lost distrust in my own meandering choices they took my derailed thoughts and placed them so carefully back on track.

not to dismiss any other friendships; i have some of the most intricate and vast group of friends-all of which i know are there for me in a moments time. but in speaking more so of recent occurrences, these girls have been my rocks. my foundation. the shoulder to cry on. the ear to listen. the mouth to offer advice, encouragement, honesty and support.

so you can understand my absolutely giddy approach to this impending weekend. god knows each and everyone of them will provide me with their own little twist of life that i adore and admire so much. i hope everyone is as fortunate and rich as me in this area of life. so heres the shout out to my favourite bunch of crap bags; hawthorn 7, piss your pants, yo bebs!, wo wo wo, 2 gingers, a blonde, 2 brunettes and one serious mix breed. love you all not just for who you are, but who you make me.

so why do we do it? when self reflecting; i chalk my immense and sometimes inordinate worry up to fear of the unknown in addition to fear of the steps that may be taken to get to this negatively touted 'unknown.'

when faced with new, unchartered territorial situations, especially in cases where i feel uneducated or 'out of the loop' so to speak-i find myself just consumed with worry in such ways that debilitate the course of my day, or to be somewhat brash, my life in general. it becomes apparent to others; my words, actions, complete demeanor and character are affected.

i need to regain a sense of trust within myself, others and to whatever powers may be. i need to trust things happen for a reason and that you cant curve the outcome of a situation regardless how strongly and immensely it worries me, nor by how much it may scare me, make me ache in ways i never quite knew existed. anyone who procures the same soulfully unfortunate worrying habits that i do can empathize and wallow in their own sense of self doubt but i want to think instead of cornering ourselves into a place of anguish, perplexity and absolute torment, we need to set aside the anxiety, fight the tears, ignore the protruding predictions, distain any and all blame on ourselves, or others for the continuous evoked feelings of doubt and acknowledge the uncertainty of the course of things to come with the most optimism and acceptance as possible.

as baz luhrmann once said, or sang for that matter...

"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 

when do you reach the point within your friendship, relationship or otherwise that will allow you to disregard any evoked emotions of distrust or intent to safe guard yourself?

sometimes i think i get there with someone and i truthfully feel a sense of mutual respect and furthermore-almost a feeling of security with them.

until they do that one thing. 

that one thing that completely reverts me back into distrust towards them. it can be the smallest of things or the largest. my trust doesnt wield any 'standards' pertaining to the weight of the matter-it just scares easily.

but that one thing just structuralizes an ill feeling in my gut, a protruding, taunting thought in my head and bluntly put-makes me feel like complete shit.

recently an individual that i have somewhat intricately been linked to, through no choice of my own, put me in that place. i finally felt, regardless of situation, a trust with this person-a trust that i didnt even fully understand due to its immediacy and strength. i let them see sides of me some of my best friends have yet to even know exist. then they did that one little thing...in the form of testing my integrity.

to some people integrity is a foreign word, or they not quite hold much countenance for the word or what it means, but i do. i truly deem integrity as one of the most beautiful and awe inspiring qualities a person can attain. integrity cant be measured, or tested and maybe thats why i perceive it to be a 'unicorn' type of quality. but its something i have been told i have, something im proud to have..and when someone even so much as surmises i lack this aristocratic, illustrious trait, my heart, trust, compassion, respect for them shatters. it doesnt bend, break or crack-it shatters into pieces that dont feel as if they will ever be fixable, or if the case be that they are...they never fit quite the same.

sure, they can apologize. they can brush it off. any array of retaliations but ill never quite feel the same about this person in question. i presume its a defense mechanism ive developed over time, possibly due to previous lack lustre experiences with trust. all i know is they have taken a sense of pride from me that wasnt all that easy to attain in the first place;  you take away someones pride, you take away a piece of their soul.

people always talk about signs-as if their meticulously placed through out life to guide us in a sense or way that we cant even begin to explore or manifest.

i never really paid ownage to this form of seemingly absurd idea or any of the retaliating ideologies it holds. i never really did until it felt like this sign was smacking me in the face-metaphorically of course. it began with a feeling that transpired into an unfortunate happening which prevented, which then transpired into a prolonging...all of an event im not 100% certain i want to be a part of. 

so when does it migrate from mere coincidence to a 'sign?'

as previously stated; a sort of...event-if it must be dubbed anything-has been to take place a few times now. this event i dont feel particularly optimistic about or even comfortable with for that matter. the first time it was to begin its progression, there was a small part of me resisting in a way i had never quite experienced, with pure hesitation. then it followed with a freak speed bump type of occurrence that prevented it from happening and NOW this event which was to take place at a certain time has been prolonged further, citing schedule conflicts.

is this enough to be considered a sign? or am i looking, desperately at that, for any means possible to litigate my resistance thus making me and my feelings towards it seem less insubordinate and relentless?

i just wish there was someone to part the clouds and make it all clear. palpable. unambiguous. 

and in a sense, thats what i so unreasonably, want these proceedings to be; someone telling me whats right, whats wrong...the signs, working in unison to declare the "right things to do" or impart some form-any form-of wisdom on me, shed some light. words could never wholly reiterate the gravity of what im looking for i suppose. thats why i think we personally quest for the apparition of signs-to give us something to believe in, to use as our last minute 'pardon from the warden.'

or..are they simply, utterly and completely just...occurrences, thrust upon us for reasons we cant explain.

i guess we'll never know if these 'signs' or the idea of their nature truly exist or if they are a fabrication of someone holding onto a hope or absolution...that is most certainly not coming.

i go with the flow of traffic, so to speak, and avoid conflict at every formitable chance possible. its worked out quite well for me thus far;i have great friends, great family, i like to consider myself a successful student and all around human being. however sometimes i think to myself-when will it come time that i formulate my own strong point and stick with it? regardless of others opinions or feelings. regardless of what may or may not be considered socially acceptable. regardless of anything for that matter.

i guess i find a beautiful simplicity in being easy to work and live with and i know people appreciate my ability to adhere to their wants and needs but i question when does it become debilitating to my own pride and sense of self worth.

recently i found myself in a situation where i have actually been put on this very metaphorical spot. having to make a decision. i hate making decisions-regardless of big or small-even mere acquaintances of mine know this. i make the biggest deal out of every single one, as if it were a "weight of the world" type of decision. and maybe thats the foundation of my sometimes easily coaxed attitude; to simplify my life and relieve any and all stress by just agreeing and sucking up any and all left over emotion pertaining to the decision made. maybe.

but in past times a decision such as this would have been 100% based on the other persons recourse or what they had beseeched so strongly to me, but i find myself, in this moment, being more narcissistic than ever.  well, maybe narcissistic is the wrong word, as it denotes a sense of negativity, but i feel like for once my opinion and how strongly, morally and ethically i feel on the subject should be more than predominant in my decision making process.

i dont want to be misconstrued-im in no way an egocentric person-i welcome an array of different stances on things and situations in life, but for once i feel like my stance should be the one considered and accepted and all else that is involved in 'getting your way.'

so when do you back down, or for that matter, when do you rise up-and stand for what you want and refuse to be persuaded or even coerced into a decision you feel no legitimacy towards?

do you base your persistence of a choice on how morally and ethically denounced their choice is or do you just simply tap into the root of your feelings about it and go from there?

as a people pleaser, my initial instinct is to wave the white flag and be submissive to the other persons requests, setting aside personal feelings. but then, just when i start to retreat, i find myself remembering and somewhat embracing the words of the great Malcolm X, who once said "if you dont stand for something, you will fall for anything." 

not that i feel a particular need to stand for something, i just know deep down in the core of my heart and soul, i could never live with myself for falling for anything. 

thus the decision becomes; fall into line or come out swinging. 

god, i hate decisions.

its nice to think of all the areas women, as a whole and as individuals have evolved and increased the strength of a womans worth but i cant help but digress into the obvious and abundantly sad fact that we just arent equals with men, taking into account social and hypocrisized areas of life.

lets look at the ever debatable and seemingly irritable subject of sexual activity. when recently discussing with a male room mate why it is so acceptable in society for a man to be promiscuous while a female is shunned for any such action involving a sexual freedom he told me this:

"if a key can open any door-its called a master key. if a lock can be opened by any key-its a shitty lock"

the analogy, although colourful and very 'persuading'-have you, just reiterated to me the lack of acceptance woman have created for themselves in this world.

so what if we want to be sexually liberated? we've been caged in, cooped up and told to smile and cross our legs for decades. who decided and when was it decided mens sometimes sexually deviant behaviour was acceptable and ours wasnt?

as if thats not bad enough, woman who have attempted to break down that metaphorical door and embrace their sexual confidence and security have been considered detrimental to the dubbed womens movement. some, what we could call, 'trail blazers' like marilyn monroe and madonna have been hailed as 'sluts' or other incredibly demeaning terms coined by men to further lessen our ability to make sexually suggestive moves without reprecautions. 

even Freud entertained the idea that women were lessened and in a more precarious way about their sexual identities in society. he so bluntly called it "penis envy." he believed, as found in his theory of psychosexual development, that during the phallic stage-so between the ages of 3 and 5- young girls distance themselves from their mothers and instead, redirect and devote their affections to their fathers. 

Freud claimed this occurred when a girl became educated and could differentiate between sexes and thus realized that she had no penis. 

"Girls hold their mother responsible for their lack of a penis and do not forgive her for their being, thus put at a disadvantage." 

even some of the most intelligent psycho analysts of time have somewhat decreed upon us, in a sense, the knowledge that woman lack the sexual competency that men do-heck, we learn it as prematurely as age 3!

although, i myself, find no particular interest in the area of sexual exploration through promiscuity-i would love to hold out hope that one day women can be open and honest about their wants and needs in the sexual sense without judgement or unacceptable backlash. its just one smaller step towards becoming the equals we have always wanted to be. no, its not by any means as impactful or even seemingly as important as things such as equality in salary or political or job oriented rights, but its something we all complain about, yet make no progress towards in fear of societies lacklustre acceptance of the matter. its about time for some change in ALL areas of the double standard-regardless of how its rated on the scale of importance.