i love today.

do you ever wake up so excited your not quite sure how to handle yourself?

like when your alarm isnt suppose to jerk you awake until 11am but you find yourself up at 9am-unable to catch even one more solitary wink of sleep?

thats the exact experience i encountered this morning.

do i have somewhere special to be? no.
am i getting a surprise or gift? no.
am i going on a trip/concert, etc etc? no.

its just that two of my best friends are coming to visit today.
two that have been my rocks for the past year and some.
two that i havent seen in over a month.

my imminent excitment is uncontainable. i feel like a child at disney world- in a smaller scale of course because not much can be comparible to disney-lets be serious!

you never quite realise how much you miss people until they are just within your grasp. you forget how dependent you are on these people in social and emotional situations and just how unreal spending time with them really is. and taking into consideration how this point in your life is when you really begin determining who matters, who never did and who always will, having them visit is just further solidifying my belief and confidence that these two are the ones who always will.

even though i have met an assortment of amazing friends at my new stomping grounds, the exhilaration of seeing friends from home is just so comforting and re-assuring that i havent lost who i am amidst all the crazyness that is university and that my relationships with these people are so ideal that they travel the distance to visit.

and i cannot express how amazing that makes me feel.

always a marilyn, never a jackie.

i have recently come to a conclusion.

one im not proud of nor do i wish to endorse or advertise as the person that i am, however i feel the necessity to unload these feelings on the subject in the best way i know how...writing.

i am a marilyn. i am the girl who yes, gets attention, but its from all the wrong guys, the JFK's of the world. they give me attention, they even, regrettably enough, cheat on their girlfriends-the jackies- with me. (in my defense, i havent always known of their already progressive relationships)

it begs the question: am i only enticing to guys who are already spoken for? what is this illustrious gravitational pull that i have towards the opposite sex when they already have someone to go home to? if it had only happened once that a taken guy had pursued me i wouldnt divulge so much time into thinking about this, however this has slowly become a reoccuring event for me. its borderlining "my thing." 

i can confidently state that i am completely content with my morals and values as an individual, however i have been, to put it bluntly, a stupid, naive and cohersed girl before. on two seperate occassions i have been the other woman. again, i will state, im not proud of it-nor do i wish for people to read this and assume i lack an integrity that would otherwise make me completey negate any guy who was already taken. when i discuss this topic, my situation especially, to friends i know they look at me as though i attempt to make excuses for my actions, and i guess when being nakedly honest, i can admit-i try to justify the things i do-its for comfort sake.

i know people who have said, if your single and you mess around with a guy who already has a significant other your none to blame because YOU didnt cheat. thats like saying if you hold a gun to a cashiers head as your accomplice pulls the money out of the register you arent guilty of robbery, however without you assisting in the robbery, it may not have gone down at all. the same with cheating, if you cross that line in any way, shape or form your an accomplice-and just as equally guilty. if cheating was punishable by law, you would be tried for the same crime as the actual perpetraitor. thus, we must believe its all relative.

i wont get into the sordid details of any adultrous 'relationship' ive ever had- they are way too long, confusing, emotionally tiring and stupid for me to even begin to recant but recently on my new little journey away from the ordinary i met a guy who is seemingly unreal; hes the type of person i like to surround myself with- positive, fun, motivated, intelligent and caring-among other things and i cannot even begin to express the level of attraction we have for one another. but its more than that-or so it seems, i truthfully and wholeheartedly enjoy spending time with him. i dont feel uptight or worry what he thinks of me. its just a state of pure comfort. 

insert downside here: he has a girlfriend.

one which i know about, yet i continue to allow myself to get lost in the idea that our friendship is more than it is. if i may be so bold to say; he is cheating on her emotionally and ask almost any girl and they will omit that an emotional cheating deception can be worse than a physical one...to the highest degree.  when we discuss his girlfriend he states "its basically over" and begins to rant on the shortcomings of their relationships, or lack there of, for that matter.

is it so wrong for me to be optimistic about the demise of their relationship?
is it sick that the very thought of them breaking up puts a big smile on my face?
am i a 'bad person?'

i have never been one to totally go after what i want, in the form of guys, relationships, etc. i like to think of myself as pretty docile, but sometimes i just feel like i have earned the right to be somewhat selfish in this department. i have yet to distinguish if my feelings towards this situation are as deceptive as they may seem or if they are just simply me, for once, really knowing what i want.

one thing i do know is im downright sick of being a marilyn. therefore i will never pursue anything until it is legitimate and honest. one day i will be the jackie. and until then, ill continue on in high integrity and morality...regardless of how strongly i feel and greatly it sucks to not be able to express those feelings. cause trust me..it reallllly sucks.


filters.

everyone is talking about this whole kanye west, taylor swift, beyonce debable so i figured i would offer up my opinions pertaining to the matter.

kanye west is a mind-less, wit-less, ball-less moron.

yes, i like taylor swift, i like her music-i, on occassion, crank it up, grab a brush-or a 'microphone'-and rock out. but by no means am i a die hard fan and kanye wests comment didnt make me want to cry or yell at the tv. it simple made me shake my head in utter disbelief, utter disbelief at one individuals lack of mental capacity.

especially taking into consideration this particular individuals creative genius and talent-its hard to believe he would sacrifice his fan base and diginity to make one comment that, in the end, didnt change the outcome. taylor swift won. kanye makes stupid redundant comment. taylor swift still wins.

sometimes it makes you wonder how some people lack that little voice that i like to call a filter. how in any way, shape or form did you think that comment would be a good idea? it just astonishes me. i had a friend once who, literally, would say whatever came to mind. she would just blurt it out as if she thought it was acceptable on any level. i can recall one comment so vividly that to this day it makes my stomach churn in an embarassment for all parties: she met a friend of my roomates and i's in the halls of our res as he was returning from the gym and before even gesturing the introduction she blurted out "you have huge pit stains." i felt mortified beyond belief and i am not one to be easily flustered. she, needless to say, is no longer a friend. and frankly...doesnt have many now either. and unbeknownst to her-its because her over active verbal-diarreah causes people to question her mental capacity.

360-back to kanye.

each time he brainlessly opens his mouth and makes comments that would make his mother turn over in her grave-he loses more and more respect from people, people who are potential customers, potential fans. if he doesnt realise it soon, not even his talent will save him.

(little shout out to beyonce who just exemplified class by bringing taylor back on stage to finish her exceptance speech. just pure class.)

so, in conclusion...kanye, shut your mouth, your wit-less 'opinions' are losing credibility each time you pollute us with them. your music may be good, but your belligerent outburts are garbage.

hello my name is happy.

i love life. to put it simply.

if we refer back to a previous post where i attempted to analyze my feelings pertaining to moving from home, going back to school, etc etc-we see a hesitation, a sense of resistance to the change.

all those reservations are now completely non existent. i am absolutely, utterly and completely consumed by the excitment and positibity of this change in my life. i feel as if i shifted any and all the negative people, places and things in my life thus far into a metaphorical 'grave.'

i now see the world outside of the little bubble that was my hometown. i see the opportunities and majesty in new experiences. i have met people, gone places, done things that i wouldnt have had i not made the move here.

and now that i have had this, what we can almost call epiphany, i can only assume i will be more inclined to take more risks and steps towards the unknown-and for once in my life, that doesnt scare me-it excites me to no end. stay tuned for more adventures of the new oppotunist in me.

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