everyone is 'enough'

am i enough?

perhaps one of the most common and secretive self reflective questions that asserts itself through any inidivduals brain.
that question. that most extensive question can be the almost debilitating.

atleast it is for me.
anyone who knows me at all knows my utter hatred for self doubt, regret or contemplation pertaining to my sense of self worth or integrity. i like to put all my eggs in one basket, i depend on myself for everything, i feel this doesnt not permit me to be disappointed. however every now and then i find myself, in a variety of situations pondering the question "am i good enough?"

i see my self worth. i believe i have become a strong, independent woman but when certain continuously flustering situation arise i return to this futile question.

i think i know the origin of any self doubt i may possess.

when attempting to analyse where these self depricating feelings came from i disected some of the main areas of emotion in my life.

school. i feel accomplished and successful in my education. i have already graduated college and am half way to a degree in university. i worked hard and it paid off. when reflecting on my life thus far in the education sector, i am content. more than content, i am exhilirated with how everything has fallen into place.
next i looked at my family life. one word: amazing. i love my family, they are a strong, structed support system, especially my dad who has single handedly taught me some of the most important life lessons.
my career(s) have been nothing short of great experiences. although i have yet to enjoy the adventure of a full time, 'job for life' yet, i have been at one job for three years and have enjoyed every sole minute of it. i learnt so much about conducting myself in the appropriate business manner as well as the exact meaning and important of hard work.
friendships-i consider myself a 'lottery winner' in this category. my friends are a diverse, beautiful and downright phenomenal array of people. without them, i dont know who, what or where i would be.

then i look at my life in the form of romantic relationships-or lack there of, for that matter. i feel this area of my life is 25% comical, 25% stressful and the other 50% is making me into a compete cynique. my experiences with the opposite sex have led me to a path of self doubt. i dont like it. at all. in fact, i-to put it bluntly...fucking hate it. i have never doubted myself but when reflecting on the relationships i have had in the past three years i can almost envision my lack of confidence and self worth dwindling. quick jessicas love life resume:
first boyfriend: got cheated on then dumped
second guy i dated: cheated on
third guy: usedddd-major
fourth guy: treated like the dirt in the crevase of his boots.

i apologize for the wah-wah, poor me factor of this blog but i almost feel i have earned and reserved the right to complain-just a little. and let me ensure this: i do not need a 'man' to make me happy. i love my life at this current time-in fact im so content in my single status that i would prefer no guy talk to me ever again...a ten foot distance at all times would be ideal. they just complicate things, they mess with my growing self assurance in who i am and who i have to become. i dont see ANY man as an intricate part of my survival.

HOWEVER, i feel an incesant need state my UTTER hatred for the following. i see every girl from unintelligent, or to put it simply..brainless to promiscuous to downright fatal attraction-like, with a significant other and i honestly contemplate the mental status of men.

why, on earth, do guys divulge in woman who want to bust their balls for every and anything?
why do they want to date girls who have the IQ of a raisin?
why do they want to date girls who have been rode hard and put away wet? (for those of you who dont quite get the analogy: it means girls who have literally slept with every guy within a 10 mile radius)

i cannot even come close to wrapping my head around these questions. and the saddest part of this entire tirade is that the majority of single girls are the amazing ones-the ones who are nothing but accepting of a significant others wants and needs, are intellectually advanced and have a lot of self respect and dignity. but apparently in todays society (for the most part) these girls are the doormats-the overlooked, underappreciated. now i will recant that i dont believe EVERY girl who has a boyfriend is controlling, dumb or slutty. i have plenty of friends in healthy, strong, respectable relationships but i am noticing an increase in pointless, embarassing and lacklustre relationships.

i know a guy in a relationship at this current time who, is literally dating a satan like female. she treats him as if he were property or a dog. she critisizes things in his past, present and future. she would prefer to see him unhappy in the hopes to please herself. isnt a relationship about mutual respect, admiration...isnt it about giving, as well as receiving? (and not just in a sexual inuendo) but this guy will NOT break from this prison he calls a relationship and basis his decision to stay along the lines of being emotionally dependent and fearing being alone. news flash: everyone fears being alone...even if they cant come to terms with the omission that they are...they still are. we as humans are engrained with the notion of the stereotypical future: career, marriage, kids. so can we be blamed for feeling the necessity of a significant other?

setting aside any feeling i may have for this guy in question; why does he remain in a relationship so callous and visibly painful when he could indulge in a relationship that contains consistent support, respect, love and friendship? people who limit themselves this way dont even frustrate me anymore, they just force me to feel bad for them- i cannot comprehend being in the mental state of needing someone so inhibitedly that i remained in such a situation. one day those individuals stuck in the standstill relationships will see everything clearly and will ,no doubt, regret remaining in such a situation when their are sooo many other people out there who value a healthy, amazing and NORMAL relationship and could have showed them how to actually enjoy sharing their life with someone else-sadly enough...by the time some notice, those rare and sought after people will be long gone.

the big picture.

there is nothing more comprehensively exhilirating then when you discover a decision you toiled over forever was the right one.

that exact moment when you discover you have zero regret.
its the best moment, the best feeling.
not just because regret is possibly one of these most stressful things you can experience emotionally but because you learn that your instincts are better than you give them credit for and therefore can trust them more wholeheartedly, THUS diminishing the time you spend playing "what if."

case in point:

the other day i headed to class, spent two hours listening to my anatomy professor ramble on about the functions and importance of white blood cells within the human body, then retreated to the book store to visit a friend who works there...and somewhere in the midst of all this i lost my keys.
not just a key, or a key chain.
my house, room and car key-none of which i have copies for (until the net day when i made 3 of each, overcautious? maybe)
but i digress.
after realizing i had lost my keys i felt ill and struck with the grief and belief that no one would care so much as to return them. but i checked with security and surely enough someone took time out of their schedule and possibly enough, busy day, to walk across campus to bring them to the lost in found. and heres where i validate my point: when deciding which school to go to last year i travelled to Laurier for homecoming and was overly pleased with the people i met and the general atmosphere and had decided i wanted to go to school somewhere that i interated with like minded, intelligent and fun loving people on a daily basis and i now know for certain that i made the right decision and wasnt misled. im not saying had this situation presented itself at another school my keys would have been stolen but its nice to know the people here care. it says a lot about the overall ideologies of the students at Laurier.

in that moment that i got my keys back, i realized how much of a good decision i made. i know it sounds juvenile and small scale, but sometimes thats when things are best put into perspective. i now feel i will opt to trust my instincts more actively.

sometimes its just the little things that lead to the larger, more important things;
the big picture.

i love today.

do you ever wake up so excited your not quite sure how to handle yourself?

like when your alarm isnt suppose to jerk you awake until 11am but you find yourself up at 9am-unable to catch even one more solitary wink of sleep?

thats the exact experience i encountered this morning.

do i have somewhere special to be? no.
am i getting a surprise or gift? no.
am i going on a trip/concert, etc etc? no.

its just that two of my best friends are coming to visit today.
two that have been my rocks for the past year and some.
two that i havent seen in over a month.

my imminent excitment is uncontainable. i feel like a child at disney world- in a smaller scale of course because not much can be comparible to disney-lets be serious!

you never quite realise how much you miss people until they are just within your grasp. you forget how dependent you are on these people in social and emotional situations and just how unreal spending time with them really is. and taking into consideration how this point in your life is when you really begin determining who matters, who never did and who always will, having them visit is just further solidifying my belief and confidence that these two are the ones who always will.

even though i have met an assortment of amazing friends at my new stomping grounds, the exhilaration of seeing friends from home is just so comforting and re-assuring that i havent lost who i am amidst all the crazyness that is university and that my relationships with these people are so ideal that they travel the distance to visit.

and i cannot express how amazing that makes me feel.

always a marilyn, never a jackie.

i have recently come to a conclusion.

one im not proud of nor do i wish to endorse or advertise as the person that i am, however i feel the necessity to unload these feelings on the subject in the best way i know how...writing.

i am a marilyn. i am the girl who yes, gets attention, but its from all the wrong guys, the JFK's of the world. they give me attention, they even, regrettably enough, cheat on their girlfriends-the jackies- with me. (in my defense, i havent always known of their already progressive relationships)

it begs the question: am i only enticing to guys who are already spoken for? what is this illustrious gravitational pull that i have towards the opposite sex when they already have someone to go home to? if it had only happened once that a taken guy had pursued me i wouldnt divulge so much time into thinking about this, however this has slowly become a reoccuring event for me. its borderlining "my thing." 

i can confidently state that i am completely content with my morals and values as an individual, however i have been, to put it bluntly, a stupid, naive and cohersed girl before. on two seperate occassions i have been the other woman. again, i will state, im not proud of it-nor do i wish for people to read this and assume i lack an integrity that would otherwise make me completey negate any guy who was already taken. when i discuss this topic, my situation especially, to friends i know they look at me as though i attempt to make excuses for my actions, and i guess when being nakedly honest, i can admit-i try to justify the things i do-its for comfort sake.

i know people who have said, if your single and you mess around with a guy who already has a significant other your none to blame because YOU didnt cheat. thats like saying if you hold a gun to a cashiers head as your accomplice pulls the money out of the register you arent guilty of robbery, however without you assisting in the robbery, it may not have gone down at all. the same with cheating, if you cross that line in any way, shape or form your an accomplice-and just as equally guilty. if cheating was punishable by law, you would be tried for the same crime as the actual perpetraitor. thus, we must believe its all relative.

i wont get into the sordid details of any adultrous 'relationship' ive ever had- they are way too long, confusing, emotionally tiring and stupid for me to even begin to recant but recently on my new little journey away from the ordinary i met a guy who is seemingly unreal; hes the type of person i like to surround myself with- positive, fun, motivated, intelligent and caring-among other things and i cannot even begin to express the level of attraction we have for one another. but its more than that-or so it seems, i truthfully and wholeheartedly enjoy spending time with him. i dont feel uptight or worry what he thinks of me. its just a state of pure comfort. 

insert downside here: he has a girlfriend.

one which i know about, yet i continue to allow myself to get lost in the idea that our friendship is more than it is. if i may be so bold to say; he is cheating on her emotionally and ask almost any girl and they will omit that an emotional cheating deception can be worse than a physical one...to the highest degree.  when we discuss his girlfriend he states "its basically over" and begins to rant on the shortcomings of their relationships, or lack there of, for that matter.

is it so wrong for me to be optimistic about the demise of their relationship?
is it sick that the very thought of them breaking up puts a big smile on my face?
am i a 'bad person?'

i have never been one to totally go after what i want, in the form of guys, relationships, etc. i like to think of myself as pretty docile, but sometimes i just feel like i have earned the right to be somewhat selfish in this department. i have yet to distinguish if my feelings towards this situation are as deceptive as they may seem or if they are just simply me, for once, really knowing what i want.

one thing i do know is im downright sick of being a marilyn. therefore i will never pursue anything until it is legitimate and honest. one day i will be the jackie. and until then, ill continue on in high integrity and morality...regardless of how strongly i feel and greatly it sucks to not be able to express those feelings. cause trust me..it reallllly sucks.


filters.

everyone is talking about this whole kanye west, taylor swift, beyonce debable so i figured i would offer up my opinions pertaining to the matter.

kanye west is a mind-less, wit-less, ball-less moron.

yes, i like taylor swift, i like her music-i, on occassion, crank it up, grab a brush-or a 'microphone'-and rock out. but by no means am i a die hard fan and kanye wests comment didnt make me want to cry or yell at the tv. it simple made me shake my head in utter disbelief, utter disbelief at one individuals lack of mental capacity.

especially taking into consideration this particular individuals creative genius and talent-its hard to believe he would sacrifice his fan base and diginity to make one comment that, in the end, didnt change the outcome. taylor swift won. kanye makes stupid redundant comment. taylor swift still wins.

sometimes it makes you wonder how some people lack that little voice that i like to call a filter. how in any way, shape or form did you think that comment would be a good idea? it just astonishes me. i had a friend once who, literally, would say whatever came to mind. she would just blurt it out as if she thought it was acceptable on any level. i can recall one comment so vividly that to this day it makes my stomach churn in an embarassment for all parties: she met a friend of my roomates and i's in the halls of our res as he was returning from the gym and before even gesturing the introduction she blurted out "you have huge pit stains." i felt mortified beyond belief and i am not one to be easily flustered. she, needless to say, is no longer a friend. and frankly...doesnt have many now either. and unbeknownst to her-its because her over active verbal-diarreah causes people to question her mental capacity.

360-back to kanye.

each time he brainlessly opens his mouth and makes comments that would make his mother turn over in her grave-he loses more and more respect from people, people who are potential customers, potential fans. if he doesnt realise it soon, not even his talent will save him.

(little shout out to beyonce who just exemplified class by bringing taylor back on stage to finish her exceptance speech. just pure class.)

so, in conclusion...kanye, shut your mouth, your wit-less 'opinions' are losing credibility each time you pollute us with them. your music may be good, but your belligerent outburts are garbage.

hello my name is happy.

i love life. to put it simply.

if we refer back to a previous post where i attempted to analyze my feelings pertaining to moving from home, going back to school, etc etc-we see a hesitation, a sense of resistance to the change.

all those reservations are now completely non existent. i am absolutely, utterly and completely consumed by the excitment and positibity of this change in my life. i feel as if i shifted any and all the negative people, places and things in my life thus far into a metaphorical 'grave.'

i now see the world outside of the little bubble that was my hometown. i see the opportunities and majesty in new experiences. i have met people, gone places, done things that i wouldnt have had i not made the move here.

and now that i have had this, what we can almost call epiphany, i can only assume i will be more inclined to take more risks and steps towards the unknown-and for once in my life, that doesnt scare me-it excites me to no end. stay tuned for more adventures of the new oppotunist in me.

stereotype or secret weapon.

i've contained my...'feelings' on this subject for quite some time but am more recently finding my strong opinions protruding and basically begging to be omitted in a blog.
so it here goes:

stereotypes- i loathe them from my very core.

stereotype: a set of characteristics or a fixed idea considered to represent a particular kind of person; an idea or convention that has grown stale through fixed usage.

in a sense, i completely disagree with this definition. they neglect to say anything about how debilitating stereotypes can be, how incorrect and damning.

example: blondes are stupid.

i would deem this one of the most recognizable and often used stereotypes-closely followed by those of race, religion or sexual orientation. seemingly some of the most intelligent women i know are blonde; whether born with blonde hair or dyed it somewhere along the line. i have a best friend who has been blonde since the day she evacuated the womb who has graduated one of the most prestigious programs at a very reputable school and now has a job where she assists people, with sometimes, more education and life experience than she has. another close blonde friend has made a small empire with her artistic talent and this empire in question has an ever expanding popularity, i believe one day she will take on the world in her craft. need i continue on various other blondes i know, or has my point been tried, tested and true with these examplary females?

furthermore: lets look at famous blonde entrepreneur and decorator extrordinaire Martha Stewart. Yes, Martha Stewart...let me previously abolish the idea that i think her getting caught and going to jail was smart- i dont...however, this woman single handedly divulged in her craft and made it a multi million dollar enterprise. she took over television, print, retail. martha stewart to the world is like the plague was to egypt in the story of the exodus!...and there came forth my own 'stereotype'...but a solidified one at that. a 'dumb blonde' would never accomplish half the feats that Marth Stewart has. end of story.

we can also use...
Princess Diana: her intelligence and compassion captured the world. she capitalized on her title to help others.

marilyn monroe: used her sex appeal and business like mind to conduct affairs on her terms-she was a mover and shaker of her time.

hilary clinton: had her own articulated plan on providing a better health care system for the people of the united states-and had clinton administrators not coheresed her nix the plan-it would have been successful.

their are NUMEROUS actresses and songstresses who hold b.a.'s, masters, p.h.d.'s. look it up.

point proven. in bulk.

i personally feel empowered being blonde-bottle blonde, mind you, but still! i believe the notion that i am unintelligent or uneducated motivates me all the more to be successful and cultered. i read, i write, i learn, i obtain information and use it to my advantage, i offer my opinions and advice to the best of my knowledge.

but for some reason this ridiculous and unconcious stereotype will never allow the legitimacy of a persons intelligence to surfice. so fighting it is redundant.

the mantra i have acquired pertaining to this subject is: ignorance is bliss. i chose to forget what any and every individual assumes about me based upon my appearance or physical features and carry on proving them wrong. in the grande scheme of things all that really matters is your knowledge of your capabilities. screw what the cyniques and critics have to say based upon your "stereotype"...and dont be surprised when you once again meet these people in the middle...on your rise to the top and their slow decent to the bottom.

this ones for you...

Now and Then.

Thelma and Louise.

Forrest Gump.

all of these: cinematic genius'. Favourites. And they all possess and omit the same message:

friends are one of the most important things in life.

you will find no cynic here. i, more than ever, believe in this statement with all my being.

through out the course of my life i have encountered each type of friend; some remained, some packed up shop and some i evicted-so to speak. when were younger its quite a lot easier to have a large, vast group of friends because our requirements of them are merely inviting us for sleepovers or sharing their deserts at lunch time. now its evolved in such an intricate way-to requiring them for advice when you don't know the answers or what do to in a specific situation and support when you make decisions you may have not clearly thought through. at this point in life, our friends have now morphed into our family. they don't get mad when we call at 3am, they tell us right from wrong-even when we desperately wish they wouldn't, they push us to take opportunities and experiences we otherwise wouldn't without their steamroll approach.

i feel like i won the friend lottery. the jackpot, at that. i have a close knit group of friends who mean the world, the sun, the moon and the stars to me. i'm not aware they know the extent of how much i value their opinions, advice and support but i do. they are the lifeblood that fuels my metaphoric vessel.

yesterday, my best friend and i were discussing the longevity of the average friendship and determined ours was one of the most triumphant of anyone we had encountered. the majority of people i know consider their 'best friend' someone they met in grade 10 or college-and dont miscontrue my words, im not undignifying their friendship in any way, shape or form- but i do feel a sense of pride that my most important friendships have at least 18 years under their belt. 18 years of ups and downs, highs and lows, late nights, early mornings, adventures, heart breaks, losses and gains, new experiences and every day rituals. these people who i have ingrained and enriched my life with have become a part of who i am and who i still have to become.

in retrospect i also have to credit the friends i have made in the more recent years. these people have accepted me for the person i have become pre-our friendship, taken me as i am, scars and all, and i admire that.

i also must put a shout out to those friends who..."didnt make the cut." these people taught me what ISNT friendship and ultimately made me appreciate and become more cognizant of the value of my existing friendships.

all of my friends play different roles in my life-some i go to for reassurance and support, some for motivation and a push towards things, some for a shoulder to cry on, some for a partner in crime but all of them hold a more than relative importance.

conclusively; there is a simplicity and beauty in TRUE friendship that is so pure and unaffected which is the basis behind my motivation to divulge my feelings on this ever so important topic. i fear i don't illustrate or make aware to my friends how vital they are to my imminent survival but they are-so to all my friends who have stuck by me through all the shenanigans that my 21 years have encountered-this ones for you.

assertive and bulletproof.

why do we as humans feel this incogitable insecurity when it comes to the opposite sex?

why do we fear being too 'available' or 'easily attained'?

why cant when one person likes another, just SAY it-throw it out there- protrude it-text it-scream it-show it-sing it-write it?

and, god why, why has it become so socially unacceptable to be the instigator if you don't own a set of gonads?

possibly because we have convinced ourselves that asserting even the slightest omission of feelings towards someone will be met with the hurricane that is non reciprocation. it's everyone's fear, even if they do not display it cognitively-lingering deep down in each confession, each text, each word is that little voice telling us all that this is 'taboo.' this application applies in double for girls; were suppose to be the chased, the unattainable, the holy grail. but in saying so i've also heard numerous guys claim "i hate when girls play mind games."

and this is where it becomes nonsensical...

so you want us to appear unattainable even if we like you, but you don't want us to play mind games. correct me if im wrong-but isn't playing hard to get-i.e: the chase, a mind game in itself?

 isnt that hypocritical in the highest extent?

imagine the world where people scrapped their inhibitions, laid it out like it was, put it bluntly:

 i like you.

i want to date you.
i want to spend time with you
i think your a great person.

...these are all also acceptable.

however, we usually spend an abundance of our time with this person we undoubtedly "like" pretending we don't, in fact, "like" them.

and, to further my solidification of how ridiculous this concept is... if we are successful in making the other person think we are actually unattainable or that we aren't the least bit interested-one of two things will happen, they will either cave and admit that they are interested in us and pray that we reciprocate that feeling or they will be so dumbfounded, confused and frustrated that they will imminently believe you are actually unattainable and in this realization they will merely pull away from the situation all together.

so you have a 50/50 chance of "getting what you want."

ri-freaking-diculous if you ask me.

but in saying that...its not like i go against the rules of this totally offside game. i play the part, hell im on the starting line. i chalk it up to previous experiences, when in fact, im just terror-stricken to put myself out there.

if we text them first, we seem too eager.
if we answer phone calls, texts, bbms quickly, were too available.
if we suggest hanging out, were clingy.

..in guys opinions, that is.

ever thought we just said fuck it and decided to go for it because we refuse to waste our time playing infantile games or because we have discovered you will never be assertive enough to do it yourself?

dont get me wrong, i love my solidarity. i do what i want, when i want, how i want to. but when i see potential in something or someone, i want to explore it, experience it...regardless of the outcome, and im sure im not the only one with this incentive. who knows what will come of it? it could end before it even begins if it ends with no retribution or it ould result in an amazing, life altering communication. but how are we suppose to do this when this puerile ideology of how were 'suppose' to come together is still in effect?

so i suggest this: we just go for it. put it out there. say fuck the rules. be honest. put a seriosu kabosh on the mind games. embrace feelings and opinions. screw the fears. call someone up; sober, drunk, in despair, in a moment of courage and say: i fucking like you. deal with it accordingly. refuse to be discouraged-no matter what the outcome. take charge regardless of what society tells us is okay and not okay. live in the moment.

as my dad always says: if you dont try-you automatically fail.

and this girl refuses to fail.

can i have yo numba?

when did guys start thinking starring at a girl like she just grew a third tit and saying "oh my god" or "holy shit" were appropriate pick up attempts?

come on guys! have you really gotten THAT lazy and unoriginal?

don't get me wrong-i have no imminent need or want for the stereotypical 'romance' and over-eccentric gestures-at least not the kind guys expect girls to pine for. but a little chivalry would be an improvement or at least an attempt to make yourself appear to have some form of substance.

you.look.ridiculous.

like a caveman.

a caveman with a penis for a brain.

actually scratch that-a caveman with a penis and no brain.

when you cat call us, hoot, hollar, stare, lick your lips and you see us smile slyly-were not putting out an omission of joy pertaining to your "advances"-we are containing our laughter resulting from your overly premature assumptions that we enjoy your ron jeremy-esque type of approach. we will go on to tell our friends and co-workers "some complete loser tried to get my attention today by...-insert demeaning, ineffective pick up line here-..."

and then we all laugh. a lot.

i have been working promotions for beer, bars, sports games, etc for the past two years and if its anything i've gained experience in-its not so much sales or public speaking, learning how to carry 10 beers on a tray while wearing 5 inch heels and offering my knowledgable opinion on the recent sportscentre highlights while trying to look cute-but, basically, men in a nutshell.

so men in a nutshell; oversexed-aggressive-misled.

why misled you say?

example: i recently worked a promotion at a bar in toronto. i'm standing there mingling in the crowd of bar-goers and this guy-tall, good looking,confident- approaches me and the first words out of his mouth were "holy shit" and his eyes obviously grazing a certain pair of assets. thinking i was enticed by his opener, he continued to re iterate to me how much money he really had "yeah i drive a 2010 BMW 5 series-that's my summer car..."

how do you say "i don't give a flying fuck if you drive a lotus or a childrens tonka truck. get a life." without sounding like a complete bitch?

yeah I didn't know either; therefore i just looked at him like he had just admitted his love for zoophilia or robbing old women. yet...he continued. persistent as fuck.

thats one thing i will give men some credit for; persistence and dedication. most people would see the look of utter dismay and disgust on my face and peace out of the 2x2 area i was standing in...but not mr.bmw-he apparently just assumed he hadn't bragged enough about his money. or just spoke in general. constantly. never stopping/giving up.

needless to say-he did not get anything but a sympathetic smile from this girl.

i realise there are women out there who 'gold-dig'-but im not one- and most legitimate and intelligent woman arent. the 21st century has seen a rise in salaries for women of all careers, as well as an increase in independence, sexual liberation and opportunities. so as beyonce would say "Tell Me how you feel about this try to Control me boy you get dismissed pay my Own fun, oh I pay my own bills."

If guys just realised that an honest, non aggressive, non sexually oriented pick up line or gesture would impress a girl ten times more than your ever popular car honk/whistle/call, etc.
Remember: We're not mindless cattle.

So guys; step it up. use your imagination. we'll dig it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tomJNpB-30

i heart epiphanies.




Epiphany; a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

What a beautiful word. A word which eludes to an even more beautiful, gratifying, awe-inspiring feeling.

Epiphany. I had one. The best one.

As it states in its definition "usually initiated by some simple, homely, or common place occurrence of experience" and it was. All it took was one stupefying move on one individuals part that made me realize how superior I was and how sad, inferior and to put it bluntly-pathetic he was. Even though, at the time, this occurrence pained me, I know feel myself omitting more of an sympathy towards him, a want to say "it's okay that you belittle yourself with your actions and bring upon consequences of self loathing and humiliation." One day he will learn how demeaning and pointless his efforts to perform these immature acts actually were, he will learn that people mock his actions and that he looks insecure and docile with his very seemingly pathetic life.

Insert- sympathy.

Not empathy.
Because frankly, I've never done such things as purposely afflicting pain on someone for my own sick sense of self gratification. I've never wanted to diminish my self worth and disrupt my good standing reputation in the ways that he has as of recently. And this is what makes me superior to him and his sad, dwindling little life of developing a beer belly, balding and basically going no where in life. No where but down, that is. I, on the other hand, have never been more successful and happy. I feel like lately everything I've wanted to accomplish or obtain, I have-through optimism and confidence and not letting anything, not even his pathetic excuse for a man actions or words, affect my performance at life. I am rocking life and loving every minute, no every second of it.

My dad keeps saying "men are intimidated by strong, independent women."
I don't want to believe that men are that meek and unassuming.
But my experiences keep proving my dad's omission as correct, in fact-they are right on the nose.
Strong men seek strong women.
Weak men seek weak women.

Believing my own theory; it can be said that this simple minded individual just purely cannot handle a women with more integrity, goal orientation and determination than him. This is such a beautiful realization. For, two months ago, I toyed with the notion that I was not good enough, and that there was something imminently wrong with me. Now I see it's the exact opposite. He has realized, what took me so long to: I am out of his league.

Now don't assume that I am, as it's said, "full of myself" because that is so far from the truth its debilitating. I am not full of myself, I'm simply not going to be pumped full of the bullshit that is him making me feel like a lesser compaired to him, when in actuality I have what he wants and yearns for: security, intelligence, confidence and self worth.

So I'll let this one incident slide, I'll let him have this point, because I think deep down he is an insecure little child with no optimistic future of his own. I may sound bitter, but its all in good standing. I just merely wish him the best of luck in life...hes going to need it.

Now I want the best out of life and he isn't it. So no matter how many 'dragons' he 'slays' and how many callous words he attempts to re interate to me, I'm going to hold my head high and say- "It's okay, you'll learn one day...and I truly hope you do-for your sake, not mine cause moron-I'm longggg gone."...or maybe I'll just flash him a smile and remind him what he will never in his demeaning, worthless life have ever, ever again.

peave.love & rock'n'roll


The Four Types of Modern-day Hippie


The popular hippie counterculture that started back in the 1960’s was indeed so popular that even now, the concept and the culture still manage to live on.

However, the years have changed the counterculture a great deal. Despite the attempts of true-blue hippies to carry out and retain the genuine hippie spirit as they make the transition from vintage hippies to modern-day hippies, the modern times still caused various changes.

Today, the modern-day hippie has four sides.

1. New-hippie or neo-hippie– a true child of the 1960’s counterculture

The first type of what is called “modern-day hippies” is the true-blue hippie, a true child of the 1960’s counterculture. He (or she) is the true picture of a full-blown hippie, who lives the original hippie values from inside and out.

These hippies are now called new-hippies or neo-hippies. Similar to the hippies in the past, they are still politically informed and educated. They also advocate the same causes in the spirit of peace, love, and freedom. They keep up with current political and environmental trends. They protested against issues that contradict with their hippie values in the same manner that the hippies of the past protested. As true-blue hippies, they still also live with the good and the bad sides of being a hippie. They protest against way and violence as they promote peace. On the other hand, they also like to engage in unusual activities, use odd clothes and accessories, and experiment with drugs in their advocacy for liberal rights. They really are hippies to the core.

2. “Granola children:’ Lighter and brighter hippies

The second type of modern-day hippies are a somewhat downplayed version. Their hippie side is reflected more by their environment-friendly, tree-hugging advocacies, rather than through their political and societal idealisms. They are mostly vegetarians, and tend to live through life in a breeze and simply focus on their love for the environment and clean, healthy things. They are lighter and brighter hippies. They are sometimes called granola children. A “granola child”, according to the urban dictionary, is one who “enjoys tie-dye, granola, and peace”.

3. “Techno-hippies:” Angry hippies

The third type of modern-day hippies, on the other hand, are the exact opposite of the granola children. They are the angry hippies. They are more futuristic, and like to show off their hippie values in enhanced, exaggerated ways. They are called the “techno hippies”. They are more modern and more forward than the Neo-Hippies. They take the hippie character to the next level. They sport tattoos, body piercing, and strange hairstyles such as the famous dreadlocks. They also exhibit their opinions though rave parties where they mostly consume large amounts of drugs and alcohol. They also take their advocacies to the Internet and are in tune with the latest gaming technologies. They are, in a way, rebellious hippies.

4. “Rippies and yunkers:” Hippies without a cause

Finally, the fourth type of modern-day hippies are not really composed of hippies anymore, as a lot of people claim. They are hippies without a cause. Cynics like to call them “rippies”, because they are simply ripping off the hippie lifestyle, for lack of an original generational style and culture to live by.

There are a lot of terms closely associated with them. One of these terms is “yunkers”, which refers to a modern-day hippie who smokes and takes drugs a lot. Somehow, they give off the idea that they are merely using the hippie culture as an excuse to liberally take drugs. Accused of wearing the trendy, designer versions of distinct hippie clothes such as tie-dyes, vests, and sandals, they are also often referred to as the hippies who have lost their political activism.

http://www.letlifein.com/2008/05/16/the-four-types-of-modern-day-hippie/

the most interesting girl in the world

she once had an awkward moment...just to see what it felt like.
she lives vicariously through herself.
she once gave an autograph...in sign language.
she didn't just taste fear-she ordered seconds of it.
she's a lover-not a fighter, but she's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas.
she is right handed. and left handed.
the police often question her, just because they find her interesting.
she once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn’t admit it.
when she wakes up, the roses smell her.
if she disagrees with you, it is because you are wrong.
when she looks in the mirror there is never a reflection because she is only 1 of a kind.
in Pamplona, the bulls run with her.
whatever side of the tracks she’s currently on, is the right side. If she were to cross them, she would still be on the right side.

she is...the most interesting girl in the world.

lights.camera-action!

Today, as I stood in front of the camera, makeup perfected, hair completely inspired, kick-ass theme oriented outfit, I rocked-with every look, pose and move.

pre shoot
in the mist of hairspray and blush
i felt anxious and slightly insecure
i knew what I needed to provide for the client
how I needed to represent the hair stylists
makeup artist
photographer
my boss
as best I could
...can you say pressure?

I'm not exactly sure when my inhibitions and insecurities surfaced and my confidence floundered but I can only assume it began along the same time I stopped being "enough" for people.

Enough, as defined by Merriam-Webster's Dictionary as; occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.

I was never 'enough' of a perfect daughter for my mom to admit she was proud of me.
I was never 'enough' of an adequate girlfriend for my ex to admit he cared about me or even treat me well for that matter.
I was never 'enough' of a friend who lends things to the "friends" who savagely stole from me.
I was never 'enough.'

Or so I was programmed to believe.

As I stood there on that set, feeling sexy and liberated; artistic and respected it dawned on me. I was enough, more than enough. As described in the dictionary, 'enough'-in simple terms- means to fully meet demands, needs or expectations. I never expected people to need me, I never expected to be in demand. But here I am. Being photographed, after being specifically chosen, by an amazing photographer in a room full of incredible hairstylists and makeup artists and exceptionally talented models-with more sole drive and ambition than half the population of my hometown.

Inhale. Exhale. I am enough. Smile. Laugh. Dream. Inspire. I am more than enough. Be motivated, ambitious. silly, fun, intelligent; me.

I have ultimately realised people are always going to expect things from you-sometimes far fetched, unattainable and unrealistic. Simple minded individuals will expect things that are legitimately impossible. You can't successfully please everyone-so you might as well orchestrate that pent up energy into something that pleases yourself.

And in the end you will see that those who insinuate you aren't good enough are in fact, just not good enough for you.


a girl with kaleidoscope eyes



I would pay to know. 
Hell, I would pay abominable amounts to know.
To know why boys do the things they do.
To know why they treat us like dirt in the creases of their boots, only to turn around and call us at 3am in a druken expression.

If your lingering along the idea that this not so conspicuous question is, in fact, something I most recently experienced than you are more than correct. 

It's like guys have this radar that goes off every time a girl loses interest and they set into motion the events that would most likely entice us back into seeing what we once saw in this person in particular.

Women are suckers. It's in our blood. 

And needless to say-I'm the biggest sucker of them all.  I am a girl with kaleidoscope eyes. I look into something so empty and see nothing but euphoric possibilities and when I care about someone I care about them so deeply, so passionately, so abundantly, so uninhibitedly and against all impurities it may make me feel.  And even as I let them go, and the feelings tagged along, I still care. Too much? Many would say so. Scratch that-A LOT would say so.

As previously stated, I got that phone call-everyone knows that phone call. That 3am-drunken-incomprehensive but ever so tantalizing call. I saw it, a familiar number, his number and KNEW it wasn't meant to be answered but the masochist inside made me do it. And, I did, as I always do in this ever re-occurring situation-I listened ever so empathetically. 

The very next day I felt a mix of emotions, a ying yang effect I suppose. I felt elated and and peaceful with my decision to answer that call-the one that resulted in a night and day worth of seeing the person that he is when all is set aside and evoking that feeling he once made me feel. But in retrospect, I also felt backtracked and desolate, as this was the pattern we had solidified over the past year, one which resulted in hurt and confusion-on my part of course. Thus, I re-start the lengthy and grueling process. 

Why he cant always be the man he is when caught in just the right situation, the man I know he can be, is beyond me. He sells himself short-just as I do by answering that call, by being empathetic, by doing good by him, by allowing myself to take on the feeling that he in some way regrets the events that led us to get to such resentful places-all of which things he has never reciprocated, at least not directly. I used to ask why I wasn't good enough for him, wasn't enough to make him happy. 
Once I had sought out to discover myself I soon realised it had nothing to do with me or my capabilities to keep him happy. I make ME happy and in the grande scheme of things isn't that all that TRULY matters? 
It is merely a situation of circumstance. Its imperative that I let go of my faith in him, I have to stop believing that one day the great man inside of him will emerge and he will see what was right in front of him the whole time.

 I need to let go. 

Now don't misconstrue my omission pertaining towards letting go as a claim that I am not 'over' him-so to speak- because I very well am. I have given up any thoughts of a future together but my ambitions and hopes for him have never dwindled and they need to for the sake of my piece of mind. 

So in conclusion, I admit my lack of tenacity which has lead to my own meandering thoughts and feelings. I guess I can chalk it up to: "you live and learn."

I can only hope I learnt from this way of living. 

But then again, I am a girl with kaleidoscope eyes.





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