I would pay to know.
Hell, I would pay abominable amounts to know.
To know why boys do the things they do.
To know why they treat us like dirt in the creases of their boots, only to turn around and call us at 3am in a druken expression.
If your lingering along the idea that this not so conspicuous question is, in fact, something I most recently experienced than you are more than correct.
It's like guys have this radar that goes off every time a girl loses interest and they set into motion the events that would most likely entice us back into seeing what we once saw in this person in particular.
Women are suckers. It's in our blood.
And needless to say-I'm the biggest sucker of them all. I am a girl with kaleidoscope eyes. I look into something so empty and see nothing but euphoric possibilities and when I care about someone I care about them so deeply, so passionately, so abundantly, so uninhibitedly and against all impurities it may make me feel. And even as I let them go, and the feelings tagged along, I still care. Too much? Many would say so. Scratch that-A LOT would say so.
As previously stated, I got that phone call-everyone knows that phone call. That 3am-drunken-incomprehensive but ever so tantalizing call. I saw it, a familiar number, his number and KNEW it wasn't meant to be answered but the masochist inside made me do it. And, I did, as I always do in this ever re-occurring situation-I listened ever so empathetically.
The very next day I felt a mix of emotions, a ying yang effect I suppose. I felt elated and and peaceful with my decision to answer that call-the one that resulted in a night and day worth of seeing the person that he is when all is set aside and evoking that feeling he once made me feel. But in retrospect, I also felt backtracked and desolate, as this was the pattern we had solidified over the past year, one which resulted in hurt and confusion-on my part of course. Thus, I re-start the lengthy and grueling process.
Why he cant always be the man he is when caught in just the right situation, the man I know he can be, is beyond me. He sells himself short-just as I do by answering that call, by being empathetic, by doing good by him, by allowing myself to take on the feeling that he in some way regrets the events that led us to get to such resentful places-all of which things he has never reciprocated, at least not directly. I used to ask why I wasn't good enough for him, wasn't enough to make him happy.
Once I had sought out to discover myself I soon realised it had nothing to do with me or my capabilities to keep him happy. I make ME happy and in the grande scheme of things isn't that all that TRULY matters?
It is merely a situation of circumstance. Its imperative that I let go of my faith in him, I have to stop believing that one day the great man inside of him will emerge and he will see what was right in front of him the whole time.
I need to let go.
Now don't misconstrue my omission pertaining towards letting go as a claim that I am not 'over' him-so to speak- because I very well am. I have given up any thoughts of a future together but my ambitions and hopes for him have never dwindled and they need to for the sake of my piece of mind.
So in conclusion, I admit my lack of tenacity which has lead to my own meandering thoughts and feelings. I guess I can chalk it up to: "you live and learn."
I can only hope I learnt from this way of living.
But then again, I am a girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
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