i love today.

do you ever wake up so excited your not quite sure how to handle yourself?

like when your alarm isnt suppose to jerk you awake until 11am but you find yourself up at 9am-unable to catch even one more solitary wink of sleep?

thats the exact experience i encountered this morning.

do i have somewhere special to be? no.
am i getting a surprise or gift? no.
am i going on a trip/concert, etc etc? no.

its just that two of my best friends are coming to visit today.
two that have been my rocks for the past year and some.
two that i havent seen in over a month.

my imminent excitment is uncontainable. i feel like a child at disney world- in a smaller scale of course because not much can be comparible to disney-lets be serious!

you never quite realise how much you miss people until they are just within your grasp. you forget how dependent you are on these people in social and emotional situations and just how unreal spending time with them really is. and taking into consideration how this point in your life is when you really begin determining who matters, who never did and who always will, having them visit is just further solidifying my belief and confidence that these two are the ones who always will.

even though i have met an assortment of amazing friends at my new stomping grounds, the exhilaration of seeing friends from home is just so comforting and re-assuring that i havent lost who i am amidst all the crazyness that is university and that my relationships with these people are so ideal that they travel the distance to visit.

and i cannot express how amazing that makes me feel.

always a marilyn, never a jackie.

i have recently come to a conclusion.

one im not proud of nor do i wish to endorse or advertise as the person that i am, however i feel the necessity to unload these feelings on the subject in the best way i know how...writing.

i am a marilyn. i am the girl who yes, gets attention, but its from all the wrong guys, the JFK's of the world. they give me attention, they even, regrettably enough, cheat on their girlfriends-the jackies- with me. (in my defense, i havent always known of their already progressive relationships)

it begs the question: am i only enticing to guys who are already spoken for? what is this illustrious gravitational pull that i have towards the opposite sex when they already have someone to go home to? if it had only happened once that a taken guy had pursued me i wouldnt divulge so much time into thinking about this, however this has slowly become a reoccuring event for me. its borderlining "my thing." 

i can confidently state that i am completely content with my morals and values as an individual, however i have been, to put it bluntly, a stupid, naive and cohersed girl before. on two seperate occassions i have been the other woman. again, i will state, im not proud of it-nor do i wish for people to read this and assume i lack an integrity that would otherwise make me completey negate any guy who was already taken. when i discuss this topic, my situation especially, to friends i know they look at me as though i attempt to make excuses for my actions, and i guess when being nakedly honest, i can admit-i try to justify the things i do-its for comfort sake.

i know people who have said, if your single and you mess around with a guy who already has a significant other your none to blame because YOU didnt cheat. thats like saying if you hold a gun to a cashiers head as your accomplice pulls the money out of the register you arent guilty of robbery, however without you assisting in the robbery, it may not have gone down at all. the same with cheating, if you cross that line in any way, shape or form your an accomplice-and just as equally guilty. if cheating was punishable by law, you would be tried for the same crime as the actual perpetraitor. thus, we must believe its all relative.

i wont get into the sordid details of any adultrous 'relationship' ive ever had- they are way too long, confusing, emotionally tiring and stupid for me to even begin to recant but recently on my new little journey away from the ordinary i met a guy who is seemingly unreal; hes the type of person i like to surround myself with- positive, fun, motivated, intelligent and caring-among other things and i cannot even begin to express the level of attraction we have for one another. but its more than that-or so it seems, i truthfully and wholeheartedly enjoy spending time with him. i dont feel uptight or worry what he thinks of me. its just a state of pure comfort. 

insert downside here: he has a girlfriend.

one which i know about, yet i continue to allow myself to get lost in the idea that our friendship is more than it is. if i may be so bold to say; he is cheating on her emotionally and ask almost any girl and they will omit that an emotional cheating deception can be worse than a physical one...to the highest degree.  when we discuss his girlfriend he states "its basically over" and begins to rant on the shortcomings of their relationships, or lack there of, for that matter.

is it so wrong for me to be optimistic about the demise of their relationship?
is it sick that the very thought of them breaking up puts a big smile on my face?
am i a 'bad person?'

i have never been one to totally go after what i want, in the form of guys, relationships, etc. i like to think of myself as pretty docile, but sometimes i just feel like i have earned the right to be somewhat selfish in this department. i have yet to distinguish if my feelings towards this situation are as deceptive as they may seem or if they are just simply me, for once, really knowing what i want.

one thing i do know is im downright sick of being a marilyn. therefore i will never pursue anything until it is legitimate and honest. one day i will be the jackie. and until then, ill continue on in high integrity and morality...regardless of how strongly i feel and greatly it sucks to not be able to express those feelings. cause trust me..it reallllly sucks.


filters.

everyone is talking about this whole kanye west, taylor swift, beyonce debable so i figured i would offer up my opinions pertaining to the matter.

kanye west is a mind-less, wit-less, ball-less moron.

yes, i like taylor swift, i like her music-i, on occassion, crank it up, grab a brush-or a 'microphone'-and rock out. but by no means am i a die hard fan and kanye wests comment didnt make me want to cry or yell at the tv. it simple made me shake my head in utter disbelief, utter disbelief at one individuals lack of mental capacity.

especially taking into consideration this particular individuals creative genius and talent-its hard to believe he would sacrifice his fan base and diginity to make one comment that, in the end, didnt change the outcome. taylor swift won. kanye makes stupid redundant comment. taylor swift still wins.

sometimes it makes you wonder how some people lack that little voice that i like to call a filter. how in any way, shape or form did you think that comment would be a good idea? it just astonishes me. i had a friend once who, literally, would say whatever came to mind. she would just blurt it out as if she thought it was acceptable on any level. i can recall one comment so vividly that to this day it makes my stomach churn in an embarassment for all parties: she met a friend of my roomates and i's in the halls of our res as he was returning from the gym and before even gesturing the introduction she blurted out "you have huge pit stains." i felt mortified beyond belief and i am not one to be easily flustered. she, needless to say, is no longer a friend. and frankly...doesnt have many now either. and unbeknownst to her-its because her over active verbal-diarreah causes people to question her mental capacity.

360-back to kanye.

each time he brainlessly opens his mouth and makes comments that would make his mother turn over in her grave-he loses more and more respect from people, people who are potential customers, potential fans. if he doesnt realise it soon, not even his talent will save him.

(little shout out to beyonce who just exemplified class by bringing taylor back on stage to finish her exceptance speech. just pure class.)

so, in conclusion...kanye, shut your mouth, your wit-less 'opinions' are losing credibility each time you pollute us with them. your music may be good, but your belligerent outburts are garbage.

hello my name is happy.

i love life. to put it simply.

if we refer back to a previous post where i attempted to analyze my feelings pertaining to moving from home, going back to school, etc etc-we see a hesitation, a sense of resistance to the change.

all those reservations are now completely non existent. i am absolutely, utterly and completely consumed by the excitment and positibity of this change in my life. i feel as if i shifted any and all the negative people, places and things in my life thus far into a metaphorical 'grave.'

i now see the world outside of the little bubble that was my hometown. i see the opportunities and majesty in new experiences. i have met people, gone places, done things that i wouldnt have had i not made the move here.

and now that i have had this, what we can almost call epiphany, i can only assume i will be more inclined to take more risks and steps towards the unknown-and for once in my life, that doesnt scare me-it excites me to no end. stay tuned for more adventures of the new oppotunist in me.

stereotype or secret weapon.

i've contained my...'feelings' on this subject for quite some time but am more recently finding my strong opinions protruding and basically begging to be omitted in a blog.
so it here goes:

stereotypes- i loathe them from my very core.

stereotype: a set of characteristics or a fixed idea considered to represent a particular kind of person; an idea or convention that has grown stale through fixed usage.

in a sense, i completely disagree with this definition. they neglect to say anything about how debilitating stereotypes can be, how incorrect and damning.

example: blondes are stupid.

i would deem this one of the most recognizable and often used stereotypes-closely followed by those of race, religion or sexual orientation. seemingly some of the most intelligent women i know are blonde; whether born with blonde hair or dyed it somewhere along the line. i have a best friend who has been blonde since the day she evacuated the womb who has graduated one of the most prestigious programs at a very reputable school and now has a job where she assists people, with sometimes, more education and life experience than she has. another close blonde friend has made a small empire with her artistic talent and this empire in question has an ever expanding popularity, i believe one day she will take on the world in her craft. need i continue on various other blondes i know, or has my point been tried, tested and true with these examplary females?

furthermore: lets look at famous blonde entrepreneur and decorator extrordinaire Martha Stewart. Yes, Martha Stewart...let me previously abolish the idea that i think her getting caught and going to jail was smart- i dont...however, this woman single handedly divulged in her craft and made it a multi million dollar enterprise. she took over television, print, retail. martha stewart to the world is like the plague was to egypt in the story of the exodus!...and there came forth my own 'stereotype'...but a solidified one at that. a 'dumb blonde' would never accomplish half the feats that Marth Stewart has. end of story.

we can also use...
Princess Diana: her intelligence and compassion captured the world. she capitalized on her title to help others.

marilyn monroe: used her sex appeal and business like mind to conduct affairs on her terms-she was a mover and shaker of her time.

hilary clinton: had her own articulated plan on providing a better health care system for the people of the united states-and had clinton administrators not coheresed her nix the plan-it would have been successful.

their are NUMEROUS actresses and songstresses who hold b.a.'s, masters, p.h.d.'s. look it up.

point proven. in bulk.

i personally feel empowered being blonde-bottle blonde, mind you, but still! i believe the notion that i am unintelligent or uneducated motivates me all the more to be successful and cultered. i read, i write, i learn, i obtain information and use it to my advantage, i offer my opinions and advice to the best of my knowledge.

but for some reason this ridiculous and unconcious stereotype will never allow the legitimacy of a persons intelligence to surfice. so fighting it is redundant.

the mantra i have acquired pertaining to this subject is: ignorance is bliss. i chose to forget what any and every individual assumes about me based upon my appearance or physical features and carry on proving them wrong. in the grande scheme of things all that really matters is your knowledge of your capabilities. screw what the cyniques and critics have to say based upon your "stereotype"...and dont be surprised when you once again meet these people in the middle...on your rise to the top and their slow decent to the bottom.

this ones for you...

Now and Then.

Thelma and Louise.

Forrest Gump.

all of these: cinematic genius'. Favourites. And they all possess and omit the same message:

friends are one of the most important things in life.

you will find no cynic here. i, more than ever, believe in this statement with all my being.

through out the course of my life i have encountered each type of friend; some remained, some packed up shop and some i evicted-so to speak. when were younger its quite a lot easier to have a large, vast group of friends because our requirements of them are merely inviting us for sleepovers or sharing their deserts at lunch time. now its evolved in such an intricate way-to requiring them for advice when you don't know the answers or what do to in a specific situation and support when you make decisions you may have not clearly thought through. at this point in life, our friends have now morphed into our family. they don't get mad when we call at 3am, they tell us right from wrong-even when we desperately wish they wouldn't, they push us to take opportunities and experiences we otherwise wouldn't without their steamroll approach.

i feel like i won the friend lottery. the jackpot, at that. i have a close knit group of friends who mean the world, the sun, the moon and the stars to me. i'm not aware they know the extent of how much i value their opinions, advice and support but i do. they are the lifeblood that fuels my metaphoric vessel.

yesterday, my best friend and i were discussing the longevity of the average friendship and determined ours was one of the most triumphant of anyone we had encountered. the majority of people i know consider their 'best friend' someone they met in grade 10 or college-and dont miscontrue my words, im not undignifying their friendship in any way, shape or form- but i do feel a sense of pride that my most important friendships have at least 18 years under their belt. 18 years of ups and downs, highs and lows, late nights, early mornings, adventures, heart breaks, losses and gains, new experiences and every day rituals. these people who i have ingrained and enriched my life with have become a part of who i am and who i still have to become.

in retrospect i also have to credit the friends i have made in the more recent years. these people have accepted me for the person i have become pre-our friendship, taken me as i am, scars and all, and i admire that.

i also must put a shout out to those friends who..."didnt make the cut." these people taught me what ISNT friendship and ultimately made me appreciate and become more cognizant of the value of my existing friendships.

all of my friends play different roles in my life-some i go to for reassurance and support, some for motivation and a push towards things, some for a shoulder to cry on, some for a partner in crime but all of them hold a more than relative importance.

conclusively; there is a simplicity and beauty in TRUE friendship that is so pure and unaffected which is the basis behind my motivation to divulge my feelings on this ever so important topic. i fear i don't illustrate or make aware to my friends how vital they are to my imminent survival but they are-so to all my friends who have stuck by me through all the shenanigans that my 21 years have encountered-this ones for you.

assertive and bulletproof.

why do we as humans feel this incogitable insecurity when it comes to the opposite sex?

why do we fear being too 'available' or 'easily attained'?

why cant when one person likes another, just SAY it-throw it out there- protrude it-text it-scream it-show it-sing it-write it?

and, god why, why has it become so socially unacceptable to be the instigator if you don't own a set of gonads?

possibly because we have convinced ourselves that asserting even the slightest omission of feelings towards someone will be met with the hurricane that is non reciprocation. it's everyone's fear, even if they do not display it cognitively-lingering deep down in each confession, each text, each word is that little voice telling us all that this is 'taboo.' this application applies in double for girls; were suppose to be the chased, the unattainable, the holy grail. but in saying so i've also heard numerous guys claim "i hate when girls play mind games."

and this is where it becomes nonsensical...

so you want us to appear unattainable even if we like you, but you don't want us to play mind games. correct me if im wrong-but isn't playing hard to get-i.e: the chase, a mind game in itself?

 isnt that hypocritical in the highest extent?

imagine the world where people scrapped their inhibitions, laid it out like it was, put it bluntly:

 i like you.

i want to date you.
i want to spend time with you
i think your a great person.

...these are all also acceptable.

however, we usually spend an abundance of our time with this person we undoubtedly "like" pretending we don't, in fact, "like" them.

and, to further my solidification of how ridiculous this concept is... if we are successful in making the other person think we are actually unattainable or that we aren't the least bit interested-one of two things will happen, they will either cave and admit that they are interested in us and pray that we reciprocate that feeling or they will be so dumbfounded, confused and frustrated that they will imminently believe you are actually unattainable and in this realization they will merely pull away from the situation all together.

so you have a 50/50 chance of "getting what you want."

ri-freaking-diculous if you ask me.

but in saying that...its not like i go against the rules of this totally offside game. i play the part, hell im on the starting line. i chalk it up to previous experiences, when in fact, im just terror-stricken to put myself out there.

if we text them first, we seem too eager.
if we answer phone calls, texts, bbms quickly, were too available.
if we suggest hanging out, were clingy.

..in guys opinions, that is.

ever thought we just said fuck it and decided to go for it because we refuse to waste our time playing infantile games or because we have discovered you will never be assertive enough to do it yourself?

dont get me wrong, i love my solidarity. i do what i want, when i want, how i want to. but when i see potential in something or someone, i want to explore it, experience it...regardless of the outcome, and im sure im not the only one with this incentive. who knows what will come of it? it could end before it even begins if it ends with no retribution or it ould result in an amazing, life altering communication. but how are we suppose to do this when this puerile ideology of how were 'suppose' to come together is still in effect?

so i suggest this: we just go for it. put it out there. say fuck the rules. be honest. put a seriosu kabosh on the mind games. embrace feelings and opinions. screw the fears. call someone up; sober, drunk, in despair, in a moment of courage and say: i fucking like you. deal with it accordingly. refuse to be discouraged-no matter what the outcome. take charge regardless of what society tells us is okay and not okay. live in the moment.

as my dad always says: if you dont try-you automatically fail.

and this girl refuses to fail.

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