i have recently come to a conclusion.
one im not proud of nor do i wish to endorse or advertise as the person that i am, however i feel the necessity to unload these feelings on the subject in the best way i know how...writing.
i am a marilyn. i am the girl who yes, gets attention, but its from all the wrong guys, the JFK's of the world. they give me attention, they even, regrettably enough, cheat on their girlfriends-the jackies- with me. (in my defense, i havent always known of their already progressive relationships)
it begs the question: am i only enticing to guys who are already spoken for? what is this illustrious gravitational pull that i have towards the opposite sex when they already have someone to go home to? if it had only happened once that a taken guy had pursued me i wouldnt divulge so much time into thinking about this, however this has slowly become a reoccuring event for me. its borderlining "my thing."
i can confidently state that i am completely content with my morals and values as an individual, however i have been, to put it bluntly, a stupid, naive and cohersed girl before. on two seperate occassions i have been the other woman. again, i will state, im not proud of it-nor do i wish for people to read this and assume i lack an integrity that would otherwise make me completey negate any guy who was already taken. when i discuss this topic, my situation especially, to friends i know they look at me as though i attempt to make excuses for my actions, and i guess when being nakedly honest, i can admit-i try to justify the things i do-its for comfort sake.
i know people who have said, if your single and you mess around with a guy who already has a significant other your none to blame because YOU didnt cheat. thats like saying if you hold a gun to a cashiers head as your accomplice pulls the money out of the register you arent guilty of robbery, however without you assisting in the robbery, it may not have gone down at all. the same with cheating, if you cross that line in any way, shape or form your an accomplice-and just as equally guilty. if cheating was punishable by law, you would be tried for the same crime as the actual perpetraitor. thus, we must believe its all relative.
i wont get into the sordid details of any adultrous 'relationship' ive ever had- they are way too long, confusing, emotionally tiring and stupid for me to even begin to recant but recently on my new little journey away from the ordinary i met a guy who is seemingly unreal; hes the type of person i like to surround myself with- positive, fun, motivated, intelligent and caring-among other things and i cannot even begin to express the level of attraction we have for one another. but its more than that-or so it seems, i truthfully and wholeheartedly enjoy spending time with him. i dont feel uptight or worry what he thinks of me. its just a state of pure comfort.
insert downside here: he has a girlfriend.
one which i know about, yet i continue to allow myself to get lost in the idea that our friendship is more than it is. if i may be so bold to say; he is cheating on her emotionally and ask almost any girl and they will omit that an emotional cheating deception can be worse than a physical one...to the highest degree. when we discuss his girlfriend he states "its basically over" and begins to rant on the shortcomings of their relationships, or lack there of, for that matter.
is it so wrong for me to be optimistic about the demise of their relationship?
is it sick that the very thought of them breaking up puts a big smile on my face?
am i a 'bad person?'
i have never been one to totally go after what i want, in the form of guys, relationships, etc. i like to think of myself as pretty docile, but sometimes i just feel like i have earned the right to be somewhat selfish in this department. i have yet to distinguish if my feelings towards this situation are as deceptive as they may seem or if they are just simply me, for once, really knowing what i want.
one thing i do know is im downright sick of being a marilyn. therefore i will never pursue anything until it is legitimate and honest. one day i will be the jackie. and until then, ill continue on in high integrity and morality...regardless of how strongly i feel and greatly it sucks to not be able to express those feelings. cause trust me..it reallllly sucks.
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