me and my masochism.

masochist. masochism.masochistic.

i cant deny this is who i am. no matter how i say it, or how many times-i cant ignore the facts. the evidence. the history. the events.occurances.times.words.thoughts.dreams.moves.actions.results or most especially the repercussions.

what makes a masochist?
mas·och·ism (ms-kzm)
n.

1. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.
2. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.



to simply it: you purposely hurt yourself emotionally. you try yourself.

i do this. by no purpose or not with intent. i just simply do.

a person, an event that took place one long time ago in my life resurfaced most recently. this person, this event was life altering, shattering even. the intricacy of our relationship would baffle even the most consorting minds. i feel in a perfect world, i could quite possibly sell this grueling, heartache harrowing tale for a handsome, lucrative book deal. hell, it'd be a mini series.

dont assess me as over exaggerator. our tale is heartache. its drawn out, emotionally exhausting-worthy of the words i attribute it. with the utmost discretion i elaborate:

this person came into my life at a time of uncertainty, a time when i grasped new experiences and made the most of every moment. this person made what felt like, at the time, the briefest of appearances in my life. this brief appearance did however leave an assortment of footprints, so to speak, on my life. footprints to feel day in and day out for the rest of said life.

this person disappointed me. left me in a time of absolute, mind altering inconvenience. a time of unexpected strength on my part. a time of letting go and welcoming independence with open arms and a seemingly open heart.

i forgave. when everyone said i shouldnt.couldnt. when i said i wouldnt. when i said i hated this persons very being. when i cried myself to sleep more times than i would ever tell them i did. i forgave. i forgave for the reasons i hated, the reasons i loathed. but i found some time of beauty in this person. this persons heart-although sometimes lacking was large and strong.

by no means were their actions not addressed and scorned. they knew their wrongdoings and regardless or our times passed, i want to believe in this persons true self. but before long this person and i began the most self destructive pattern-thus commenced my downward spiral into masochism. each event, each day, each night that this pattern continued i felt the thrill of the most certain repercussionary pain. it fed an appetite id never understood before, or do to this day, for that matter. it was like clockwork, as consistent as gravity.

this person once again hurt the very core of my being. they did this in the quest for their own happiness-something, no matter how hard i tried to deny, was something they deserved as much as anyone else. i tried to hate. instead i continued an arrogant, irresponsible and irrational pattern with this person in the most inappropriate of times. mutual pain your assuming? not in the least. this person remained in tact as i slowly fell apart, falling to my own meandering demise. they never noticed the severity of their actions-on all accounts. every action that led to the accumulation on my most recent experiences and all this harboured anger and confusion.

i never intervened into my own masochism by getting emotionally naked and exposing my very soul to this person thus possibly preventing this aching dreadful pattern. they may believe they had viewed all of me in my simplest of forms but they have never come close to the heart of the emotions that run rampant through my everlastingly resentful soul. they knew nothing then, they know nothing now.

in the most recent of cases, after a quiet, much needed hiatus this person waltzed back into my life with no notice or even tempered emotion, on either of our parts. i liked to, at the time, believe this meeting of not so forgetful or lesson learned minds was merely a mishap, a temporary lapse of judgement. 'at the time' ended today when it hit me that the pattern that i felt i tore apart with strength, clarity and self respect was now sewn back together into a nightmare like, accumulated yet time contingent pattern. it hit me like a mack truck that what had transpired was just what i have learnt and what i should have by now conceived as an act of self hate. it had to be. it had to be when after i thought of this person i concaved into a shell of my former self, into a hollow human shell of pity and anger. ask me tomorrow and i still couldnt tell you if this anger was from the pattern or the past-either way it sat dormat for so long it developed roots. roots that even in the happiest of times, the most awe inspiring, detached moments, resurfaced.

roots meet resurface, resurface meet friday.

friday was when i truly saw my masochism for what it was. a continual pattern, much like the one this person and i had established for ourselves. i hurt myself. i hurt myself with this person. what hurts most? that this person doesnt hurt for me. almost as if they never did, regardless of endless assurance of pain and suffering, guilt, compassion they claimed so whole heartedly they had. i felt the pain. the scars apparent as the shiniest star in the clearest of nights. i had so much faith and belief, not to mention passion and respect for this person. wether they never saw it or just didnt want to. it existed. it was the elephant in the room in my hazel, almond shaped, god given eyes. i continued to hurt.

its safe to say i hold a place in this persons life through no fault of my own or theirs. circumstances. its what makes every occurance in life is it not? they were my circumstance. i dont even know what i was to them. or what i am now for that matter. the spectrum of experiences with this person ranges from uncomfortable conversations, drunken heartfelt ranblings, angry resentment, passionate encounters to the most mere, unacknowledgable silence. why am i not their masochistic kryptonite, as they are mine. why am i not what they feel the need to write a seemingly endless, yet disturbingly truthful blog about. we all have that person it seems. that person who holds the key to our weaknesses. that person that could break you with just one look. i pretend i dont know this person. i pretend he is a stranger. but pretend is pretend. truth is truth and truth be told, i know him in ways i dont even believe he knows himself. i felt faith in him in times i truly think he felt no faith in himself. in him i see wonder and compassion. if he has yet to determine this i feel a sense of disappointment in myself, as he never truly understood the emotions i tried to invoke upon him and for that i die a little bit inside.

so here i am. naked in emotion. whole in regret. consumed in confusion. overloaded in hurt. reminded of the past and dreadingly the future. fulfilled in masochism. masochism so strong i can feel it from the tips of my fingers to the bottom of my jelly belly bean sized baby toe. my mind races on responses to this event. i decide, decline, direct emotions. i cant seem to determine what it is i need from him, or this situation-wether that situation even exists in reality. i disappoint myself. i feel this. and we come full circle once again. feeling the most numbing of feelings. i want to fully forgive myself and him for the place i see myself in from time to time but until these feelings and emotions, thoughts and wishes fall upon his blissfully ignorant ears, i wait here. me and my masochism. like a best friend i cant seem to evade or escape. like the feelings i push below the surface of who i am. like the story book worthy reverse fairytale that our lives are. me and my masochism.

until next time...



grabbing life by the metaphorical balls.

ignorance is bliss.

never have i ever thought that quote would so closely relate to my life in this exact moment.
i never thought it would become my mantra, so to speak. i never assumed i would ever feel a complete disregard for my future in an attempt to capture the last of my so called youth.

before i begin to engage you in a tirade of my recent somewhat juvenile debaucheries i will omit that i have recently earned my 20th credit from wilfrid laurier university and will be a graduate as of June 2011, i have secured many possible job opportunities with countless interviews in the coming weeks and i am finally at a place of complete acceptance with myself and my life.
but up until the exact moment that i must embrace my 'grown up' status, i am going down swinging, out with a bang, and all the other wonderfully crafted metaphorical type inuendos pertaining to my last few months of pure ignorant bliss.
ignorant of growing up, ignorant of responsibility.
just plain, simple, organic ignorance.

some of my room mates and i recently discussed the demise of our university lives and what that means for a lot of extremely memorable times; st.patricks day, homecoming, halloween, etc etc and we determined that from the moment we walk across the substantially life determining stage and grab hold of that faux degree we will not longer put such owness on these events. no longer will they be directly associated with all day drinking beginning with 9am flip cup, thousands of pictures in order to piece together the night, memories to tell our grandchildren about (PG versions, of course)...but simply just events, holidays. in this moment of complete reality, the decision was made to live up the next however many months to the fullest. treat each event, each school sanctioned event, each holiday, each party, each roomie-date as if it were our last.

i dont plan to lack morals or values that i feel have engrained my life into the success that it has become, but simply live in the moment, for the moment.
for the memories, for the lack of memories.
for what its worth and what its not.
im grabbing life by the metaphorical balls and i couldnt be happier about it.

my personal stress trifecta.

your tired. stressed out..for a compilation of reasons. consumed with the things going on in your life. 
and slowly you notice you become more tired, sore, unable to physically function. your sick.

thats what i am, oh-so fortunately (insert sarcasm here) experiencing right now. the past few weeks have been nothing but emotionally and mentally tumultuous for me, ranging in wide from specific events, the downfalls of those events, lack lustre support, confusion, boredom and disappointment. i know, im playing the pity party card but after learning im a not-so-proud carrier of mononucleosis, shingles and have been put on watch for my heart rate being "alarming low"- despite my most recently increased healthy lifestyle, i was personally motivated to educate myself on why i am experiencing all this lovely hospital joy due to my decrepit illness.

in my online research i learnt of  a great correlation between stress and physical health:

"Stress and health are closely linked. It is well known that stress, either quick or constant, can induce risky body-mind disorders. Immediate disorders such as dizzy spells, anxiety, tension, sleeplessness, nervousness and muscle cramps can all result in chronic healthproblems. In the long run they may also affect our immune, cardiovascular and nervous systems."

in short, non medical terms;
'mono' is a direct hit due to a lack lustre immune system; stress affects the immune system as a result of possible limited sleep, food intake, mental exhaustion.
shingles are directly linked to the nervous system, as the virus lies latent in all of us until it is 'rattled' in some way, most notably by a suppressed immune system (thanks, mono)
and the low heart rate, pretty self explanatory.

therefore i can buy into the stress and health correlation. my stress level has been above and beyond any ive experienced before hence my immune, cardiovascular and nervous systems have been hit in the non resolute war on myself. i never quite experienced an illness that i couldnt directly link to my own meandering negligence, also known as drinking binges, staying up until the break of dawn, over exerting myself in every way possible.


so before you end up like me, wearing your stress on your medical charts, heres the wise words i wish i had been restored with...stop consuming yourself with the worries of your world-attempt to relax, attempt to find a calm in the storm that may be your life, omit persons creating this immense pain and stress within your life; 99% of the time these individuals could care less about the imminent damage they are causing anyways and no matter how hard you may be hurting, or how elated with stress you may be...take a step back and regardless of the speed bumps along the way, try to enjoy the ride.

hawthorn bebs.

in two, hopefully, short days i will be reunited...
reunited with a group of absolutely amazing girls. ones who, all year,  but more so recently, have been my only means of consistent and legitimate support in times i had never expected to face.

whether they know it or not, their stupendous and unfathomably amazing friendships have given me a sense of worth in a time where life has been testing, and somewhat confusing. they have been there in the most crucial of times, even more so, in times when others should be there and werent for whatever reasons, each his own. they have supported my decisions and met them with such beautiful acceptance that even when i lost distrust in my own meandering choices they took my derailed thoughts and placed them so carefully back on track.

not to dismiss any other friendships; i have some of the most intricate and vast group of friends-all of which i know are there for me in a moments time. but in speaking more so of recent occurrences, these girls have been my rocks. my foundation. the shoulder to cry on. the ear to listen. the mouth to offer advice, encouragement, honesty and support.

so you can understand my absolutely giddy approach to this impending weekend. god knows each and everyone of them will provide me with their own little twist of life that i adore and admire so much. i hope everyone is as fortunate and rich as me in this area of life. so heres the shout out to my favourite bunch of crap bags; hawthorn 7, piss your pants, yo bebs!, wo wo wo, 2 gingers, a blonde, 2 brunettes and one serious mix breed. love you all not just for who you are, but who you make me.

worrying is like a rocking chair...

worrying. its such an odd concept. its time consuming yet completely fruitless, pointless even.

so why do we do it? when self reflecting; i chalk my immense and sometimes inordinate worry up to fear of the unknown in addition to fear of the steps that may be taken to get to this negatively touted 'unknown.'

when faced with new, unchartered territorial situations, especially in cases where i feel uneducated or 'out of the loop' so to speak-i find myself just consumed with worry in such ways that debilitate the course of my day, or to be somewhat brash, my life in general. it becomes apparent to others; my words, actions, complete demeanor and character are affected.

i need to regain a sense of trust within myself, others and to whatever powers may be. i need to trust things happen for a reason and that you cant curve the outcome of a situation regardless how strongly and immensely it worries me, nor by how much it may scare me, make me ache in ways i never quite knew existed. anyone who procures the same soulfully unfortunate worrying habits that i do can empathize and wallow in their own sense of self doubt but i want to think instead of cornering ourselves into a place of anguish, perplexity and absolute torment, we need to set aside the anxiety, fight the tears, ignore the protruding predictions, distain any and all blame on ourselves, or others for the continuous evoked feelings of doubt and acknowledge the uncertainty of the course of things to come with the most optimism and acceptance as possible.

as baz luhrmann once said, or sang for that matter...
"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as 
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing 
bubblegum."

trust and integrity.

when do you know you can truly trust someone?
when do you reach the point within your friendship, relationship or otherwise that will allow you to disregard any evoked emotions of distrust or intent to safe guard yourself?

sometimes i think i get there with someone and i truthfully feel a sense of mutual respect and furthermore-almost a feeling of security with them.

until they do that one thing. 

that one thing that completely reverts me back into distrust towards them. it can be the smallest of things or the largest. my trust doesnt wield any 'standards' pertaining to the weight of the matter-it just scares easily.

but that one thing just structuralizes an ill feeling in my gut, a protruding, taunting thought in my head and bluntly put-makes me feel like complete shit.

recently an individual that i have somewhat intricately been linked to, through no choice of my own, put me in that place. i finally felt, regardless of situation, a trust with this person-a trust that i didnt even fully understand due to its immediacy and strength. i let them see sides of me some of my best friends have yet to even know exist. then they did that one little thing...in the form of testing my integrity.

to some people integrity is a foreign word, or they not quite hold much countenance for the word or what it means, but i do. i truly deem integrity as one of the most beautiful and awe inspiring qualities a person can attain. integrity cant be measured, or tested and maybe thats why i perceive it to be a 'unicorn' type of quality. but its something i have been told i have, something im proud to have..and when someone even so much as surmises i lack this aristocratic, illustrious trait, my heart, trust, compassion, respect for them shatters. it doesnt bend, break or crack-it shatters into pieces that dont feel as if they will ever be fixable, or if the case be that they are...they never fit quite the same.

sure, they can apologize. they can brush it off. any array of retaliations but ill never quite feel the same about this person in question. i presume its a defense mechanism ive developed over time, possibly due to previous lack lustre experiences with trust. all i know is they have taken a sense of pride from me that wasnt all that easy to attain in the first place;  you take away someones pride, you take away a piece of their soul.

signs; fact or fiction?

what is a 'sign?'

people always talk about signs-as if their meticulously placed through out life to guide us in a sense or way that we cant even begin to explore or manifest.

i never really paid ownage to this form of seemingly absurd idea or any of the retaliating ideologies it holds. i never really did until it felt like this sign was smacking me in the face-metaphorically of course. it began with a feeling that transpired into an unfortunate happening which prevented, which then transpired into a prolonging...all of an event im not 100% certain i want to be a part of. 

so when does it migrate from mere coincidence to a 'sign?'

as previously stated; a sort of...event-if it must be dubbed anything-has been to take place a few times now. this event i dont feel particularly optimistic about or even comfortable with for that matter. the first time it was to begin its progression, there was a small part of me resisting in a way i had never quite experienced, with pure hesitation. then it followed with a freak speed bump type of occurrence that prevented it from happening and NOW this event which was to take place at a certain time has been prolonged further, citing schedule conflicts.

is this enough to be considered a sign? or am i looking, desperately at that, for any means possible to litigate my resistance thus making me and my feelings towards it seem less insubordinate and relentless?

i just wish there was someone to part the clouds and make it all clear. palpable. unambiguous. 

and in a sense, thats what i so unreasonably, want these proceedings to be; someone telling me whats right, whats wrong...the signs, working in unison to declare the "right things to do" or impart some form-any form-of wisdom on me, shed some light. words could never wholly reiterate the gravity of what im looking for i suppose. thats why i think we personally quest for the apparition of signs-to give us something to believe in, to use as our last minute 'pardon from the warden.'

or..are they simply, utterly and completely just...occurrences, thrust upon us for reasons we cant explain.

i guess we'll never know if these 'signs' or the idea of their nature truly exist or if they are a fabrication of someone holding onto a hope or absolution...that is most certainly not coming.

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